Unpleasantries.

Have I ever told you...how much I hate working alone in the mornings? The Jamba Corporation is going bankrupt and they're cutting corners wherever they can, they recently put security cameras in so that we can open alone, and openers are left alone for three hours. From 6:30 am to 9:30 am. It's super awesome. Especially on Saturdays, when everybody and their brother wakes up at 8 am craving Jamba. And little old me is all alone to make all of their smoothies.

I get a lot of sympathy tips, at least there's that.


DF and I had our first unpleasant talk last night.
It was...unpleasant.

I've been feeling really down about the long distance the last couple days. I'm usually really good at having a handle on it, but last night it was just not happening. And I've been having a hard time dealing with all the dismayed reactions to our engagement. I really let what other people think get to me, it's a weakness of mine. I try not to, I try to brush it off, but everybody else's opinion makes me start thinking way too much, overanalyzing everything. So I was just really insecure last night and when I'm insecure, he gets really scared that I'm going to break up with him. And then he worries himself to death over it. And I feel so bad because he's working this weekend, so he probably didn't get much sleep last night and feels horrible today. He texted me this morning while I was at work, and work was hectic so I was really slow getting back to him and he asked if I was doing better, and I told him I just need some alone time to figure out my feelings and mellow out. And I told him I was going to turn my phone off so that I could just be alone, but that I loved him very much and would talk to him soon. I turned my phone back on a few hours later to 6 texts from him, one just saying I love you, a few more just saying he understands if I need some space to figure stuff out, he knows the distance is really hard on me, that I'm perfect for him and he just wants to be as perfect for me and he doesn't have one doubt in his mind about marrying me and it doesn't scare him one little bit, he understands that we moved really fast and maybe I burned myself out? Then a little later a text saying if my feelings for him have changed I need to let him know, then he tried calling, I'm assuming he was on his lunch break, but I didn't pick up because I wasn't near my phone at the time. And he sent a text saying, baby what is going on, are you going to be okay? And I told him, I'm fine, really, I just need to do some thinking is all. And he said he just hoped my feelings for him didn't change and that I didn't regret getting engaged. And I told him, of course not, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I'm just feeling really sad right now and I don't want to drag you down with me, so I just want some time to myself. Which he claims to understand but then...he keeps texting me... I know he's just worried. I understand that. I'd be worried too if he were doing what I'm doing.

He'll call me on his dinner and we'll talk a little bit, and then I know he'll call me when he's off work at the station. Technically he's not supposed to, but he always does so he can hear about my day a little bit and say goodnight. He's just realllll quiet. haha


I just told my aunt chris about the engagement and she was just like, Congratulations! I just want you to be happy. So nice to hear. My mom was the same way; she just asked, are you certain he's the one? And I told her 'without a doubt'. So she was really happy for me. And my sister is convinced that we're soul mates.

It's really only the people that aren't close to me that make comments like, didn't you just break up with exbf 2 months ago? Isn't it a little soon? He doesn't even live here. You don't really know him. All that stuff. People who don't talk to me, don't really know me at all. And why should I care what they think, when all the people that really matter to me are happy for me, and supportive? I shouldn't. I know that. I shouldn't let them plant seeds of doubt in my mind.

I'm feeling much more positive today. I want to let him know that.
I just sent him a text.
I think it'll make him happy.
He has a batch of letters coming in the mail too, but he probably won't get those until Monday. He's sending me his letters and a sweatshirt with his name on it on Monday as well. I get to see him in 3 weeks, and that's when I'm going to meet his parents also. So I'm excited, and it'll be a good visit. I just need to get rid of all those negative thoughts that other people are putting in my head and be positive and happy.

This isn't about marriage, or weddings, or other people. This is about me and Austin. We just need to focus on us. And leave the wedding for later.