Some days, being married is fabulous.
Other days, not so much.
I won't go into detail, but I feel the need to get some stuff off my chest. I'll keep it short. Namely, I feel taken for granted. What wife doesn't feel this way from time to time? I just feel like nothing I do is appreciated, and I'm literally supposed to spend my days waiting on a phone call of the when and where and what he wants. It's frustrating. And hurtful.
I called him out on it today. I told him that he was being straight up rude, and that I felt like I got slapped in the face.
Sigh. Some days aren't so sunny.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
In a perfect world...
I know that New Years is generally the time to make resolutions, but I feel like I'm always making little resolutions for myself and rarely keeping them. Today I've been really down on myself.
In a perfect world...
I would be able to run 30 minutes without stopping.
I would be able to paint something beautiful in whatever medium I wanted with little trouble.
I would have a better paying, less stressful job.
I would get to spend more time with my husband.
I would eat only fruits, vegetables and lean protein.
This is, however, not a perfect world. These are things that I'm aspiring towards right now. The whole running thing -- Michaela, from work, and I have been working out together for the past week and a half. I have officially run on the treadmill 5 times now. It's really easy for me to lose motivation when I'm not automatically good at something...a characteristic of my crazy, high strung, type A personality. (Which seems to directly contradict my couch potato ways, haha.)
Anyway, I've run 5 times now. Each time is difficult...not so much running out of breath, as my legs just getting tight and sore and feeling like they're going to fall off. That's normal, I know. They say the first two weeks is the hardest. I get that; and going with Michaela is a HUGE help. Even on days when I don't want to go, she holds me accountable and I go to the gym and end up glad that I did. But right now, I can only run for 6 minutes before I need to walk for two or three minutes, then run like 4 or 5 minutes again. It makes me feel really out of shape haha. But at the same time, I feel good that I'm even trying. At least I'm going and I'm pushing myself. I know I could push myself harder though, and I'm going to.
The running thing kind of goes hand in hand with the eating right thing. Since I moved here I've gained about ten pounds...mainly because I totally became sedentary and Austin and I eat out a LOT. So, for the past few weeks I've really been trying to eat a little bit better. We still go out (not as often); but the last time we went out I had fish, rice pilaf and broccoli. As opposed to my usual cheese burger. And I'm eating more fruits and veggies instead of my usual loads of carbs and cheese.
Yeah, I'll admit, I feel like I've gotten a little chubby, and I really would like to lose some of that extra weight I see, but it's honestly mainly about just being in shape. I would really like to be in better shape. And I know that if I run regularly and eat more fruits and veggies and less fried food and carbs, I will be a lot healthier. And hopefully Austin will jump on the bandwagon with me. He has terrible eating habits. Trying to get him to eat veggies is like pulling teeth.
As for the painting -- I started painting when I moved here. I've always liked to draw, and I've always wanted to try painting but never really had the extra money for art supplies (they can be pricey!) or the motivation. I've got a serious fear of failure. I'm trying really hard to get over that. So, when I moved here I got a cheap set of brushes, some acrylic paint and a couple canvases. And I really really liked it. I'm not great at it, but I really like it. Acrylic is pretty easy to work with.
So now that I've painted with acrylic for 8 months, I decided I really wanted to try oil painting. Austin's mom got me a giftcard for $50 for Michael's for my birthday, so it seemed like a good opportunity to buy some nicer brushes, some acrylic paint and a "How to" book about oil painting. I'm glad I already bought the supplies, because reading the book, it looks a lot harder than I thought. You have to thin the paint; you have to know how much of your oil medium to add; there are so many techniques. It seems really daunting, but to be honest I just have all the supplies laying out on the table, and I haven't even attempted anything yet. I plan on trying it tomorrow. I'm nervous, but I'm excited to at least try. I'll never know unless I try.
There isn't really anything I can do about spending more time with Hubby. He's been having to work a lot lately because they're really short staffed at the station. Too many break-ins, not enough fully qualified boat crew members...means lots of overnights and communication watches. And if I end up getting the dispatch job I applied for (which I really don't see happening, but I hope it does because I'll be making a LOT more money) that will mean even less time together, because I'll be working fulltime, and I'll be working a lot of graveyard shifts.
Oh well. This is better than long distance. I'm trying to see all the silver linings. At least Austin isn't on a cutter. He gets to come home every two to three days. We see each other, we get to go on little day trips to Portland/Salem/Hillsboro, spend quality time together. And as far as the job goes, I would really like to get it, but if I don't that just means that I need to finish school, and I'll sign up for classes in the fall.
WHEW. This was a long post. I guess I had a lot to get out. Anyway, I shall be back, and I shall update! Hopefully with all good things.
In a perfect world...
I would be able to run 30 minutes without stopping.
I would be able to paint something beautiful in whatever medium I wanted with little trouble.
I would have a better paying, less stressful job.
I would get to spend more time with my husband.
I would eat only fruits, vegetables and lean protein.
This is, however, not a perfect world. These are things that I'm aspiring towards right now. The whole running thing -- Michaela, from work, and I have been working out together for the past week and a half. I have officially run on the treadmill 5 times now. It's really easy for me to lose motivation when I'm not automatically good at something...a characteristic of my crazy, high strung, type A personality. (Which seems to directly contradict my couch potato ways, haha.)
Anyway, I've run 5 times now. Each time is difficult...not so much running out of breath, as my legs just getting tight and sore and feeling like they're going to fall off. That's normal, I know. They say the first two weeks is the hardest. I get that; and going with Michaela is a HUGE help. Even on days when I don't want to go, she holds me accountable and I go to the gym and end up glad that I did. But right now, I can only run for 6 minutes before I need to walk for two or three minutes, then run like 4 or 5 minutes again. It makes me feel really out of shape haha. But at the same time, I feel good that I'm even trying. At least I'm going and I'm pushing myself. I know I could push myself harder though, and I'm going to.
The running thing kind of goes hand in hand with the eating right thing. Since I moved here I've gained about ten pounds...mainly because I totally became sedentary and Austin and I eat out a LOT. So, for the past few weeks I've really been trying to eat a little bit better. We still go out (not as often); but the last time we went out I had fish, rice pilaf and broccoli. As opposed to my usual cheese burger. And I'm eating more fruits and veggies instead of my usual loads of carbs and cheese.
Yeah, I'll admit, I feel like I've gotten a little chubby, and I really would like to lose some of that extra weight I see, but it's honestly mainly about just being in shape. I would really like to be in better shape. And I know that if I run regularly and eat more fruits and veggies and less fried food and carbs, I will be a lot healthier. And hopefully Austin will jump on the bandwagon with me. He has terrible eating habits. Trying to get him to eat veggies is like pulling teeth.
As for the painting -- I started painting when I moved here. I've always liked to draw, and I've always wanted to try painting but never really had the extra money for art supplies (they can be pricey!) or the motivation. I've got a serious fear of failure. I'm trying really hard to get over that. So, when I moved here I got a cheap set of brushes, some acrylic paint and a couple canvases. And I really really liked it. I'm not great at it, but I really like it. Acrylic is pretty easy to work with.
So now that I've painted with acrylic for 8 months, I decided I really wanted to try oil painting. Austin's mom got me a giftcard for $50 for Michael's for my birthday, so it seemed like a good opportunity to buy some nicer brushes, some acrylic paint and a "How to" book about oil painting. I'm glad I already bought the supplies, because reading the book, it looks a lot harder than I thought. You have to thin the paint; you have to know how much of your oil medium to add; there are so many techniques. It seems really daunting, but to be honest I just have all the supplies laying out on the table, and I haven't even attempted anything yet. I plan on trying it tomorrow. I'm nervous, but I'm excited to at least try. I'll never know unless I try.
There isn't really anything I can do about spending more time with Hubby. He's been having to work a lot lately because they're really short staffed at the station. Too many break-ins, not enough fully qualified boat crew members...means lots of overnights and communication watches. And if I end up getting the dispatch job I applied for (which I really don't see happening, but I hope it does because I'll be making a LOT more money) that will mean even less time together, because I'll be working fulltime, and I'll be working a lot of graveyard shifts.
Oh well. This is better than long distance. I'm trying to see all the silver linings. At least Austin isn't on a cutter. He gets to come home every two to three days. We see each other, we get to go on little day trips to Portland/Salem/Hillsboro, spend quality time together. And as far as the job goes, I would really like to get it, but if I don't that just means that I need to finish school, and I'll sign up for classes in the fall.
WHEW. This was a long post. I guess I had a lot to get out. Anyway, I shall be back, and I shall update! Hopefully with all good things.
Monday, March 21, 2011
My focus right now is getting our lives on the right track.
I feel like we're doing a pretty good job. I don't know, it's kind of a confusing thing. Not so much cut and dried. Really...just relative. I feel like we're doing well; my name is officially changed on all of our accounts and all my cards. We applied for a credit card together and got a $9,000 limit, so woo. And we turned both of our accounts into joint accounts. Ooh! And next month we're paying off our car. His mom is loaning us the money so we can pay her back interest free. We're going to save about $900. So that's good.
Other than that, just saving money for the wedding, trying to get those details hammered out. And I'm still waiting to hear back from PSU; I emailed them and they responded to tell me that my application still hasn't been reviewed and it would most likely be several more weeks. I'm probably still looking at taking out a student loan, but I qualify for a subsidized loan, so in the long run it won't be so bad; it'll help build our credit and we won't have to make payments on it until after I graduate. I really look forward to just getting that degree. That's my goal leaving Oregon; to leave with a degree. And at our next station I'll try to get a teaching job; if I can't do that I'll just get whatever job to start paying down the loan. But at least I'll be qualified!
Emotionally we're doing really well. Our marriage is almost an eight month old! I can't believe we've been married for almost 8 months. Our one year anniversary is in ...two weeks. Gosh. Well, we're still really happy. Maybe we're still in the honeymoon phase; most likely, because I still seem to think the sun shines out his butt. Even when he's gross, or mean haha. Well, he's never really mean, but...ya know. I wonder when that phase will wear off.
I've been feeling really ...sick lately; to my stomach. And we were worried, because I just started a new birth control and I missed a day at one point. And we used backup protection for a week after that, but we were still worried. So I took a pregnancy test, and thankfully, I'm not pregnant. My sister is though! Surprise! I took the test, it came out negative, and she called me to tell me that SHE was pregnant! They're not really in a position for another baby right now, but she's excited anyway. So I'm excited for her.
Still looking for another job. The deli has gotten really busy lately, so I've been getting more hours (thank god, my last pay check was like ...a dollar. not really, but close enough). But I'm still looking for something more full time, or something that is more fulfilling. I dunno... maybe I just need to pursue a hobby. I want more to fill my time. I should work out more. I should start painting again. I was a lot more productive before we had cable and internet haha...we got that a couple months ago and I've really gone downhill. We should cancel it and save $50 a month -- or put it towards the car! Yeah...we should do that.
Anywho! I'll update when things happen.
I feel like we're doing a pretty good job. I don't know, it's kind of a confusing thing. Not so much cut and dried. Really...just relative. I feel like we're doing well; my name is officially changed on all of our accounts and all my cards. We applied for a credit card together and got a $9,000 limit, so woo. And we turned both of our accounts into joint accounts. Ooh! And next month we're paying off our car. His mom is loaning us the money so we can pay her back interest free. We're going to save about $900. So that's good.
Other than that, just saving money for the wedding, trying to get those details hammered out. And I'm still waiting to hear back from PSU; I emailed them and they responded to tell me that my application still hasn't been reviewed and it would most likely be several more weeks. I'm probably still looking at taking out a student loan, but I qualify for a subsidized loan, so in the long run it won't be so bad; it'll help build our credit and we won't have to make payments on it until after I graduate. I really look forward to just getting that degree. That's my goal leaving Oregon; to leave with a degree. And at our next station I'll try to get a teaching job; if I can't do that I'll just get whatever job to start paying down the loan. But at least I'll be qualified!
Emotionally we're doing really well. Our marriage is almost an eight month old! I can't believe we've been married for almost 8 months. Our one year anniversary is in ...two weeks. Gosh. Well, we're still really happy. Maybe we're still in the honeymoon phase; most likely, because I still seem to think the sun shines out his butt. Even when he's gross, or mean haha. Well, he's never really mean, but...ya know. I wonder when that phase will wear off.
I've been feeling really ...sick lately; to my stomach. And we were worried, because I just started a new birth control and I missed a day at one point. And we used backup protection for a week after that, but we were still worried. So I took a pregnancy test, and thankfully, I'm not pregnant. My sister is though! Surprise! I took the test, it came out negative, and she called me to tell me that SHE was pregnant! They're not really in a position for another baby right now, but she's excited anyway. So I'm excited for her.
Still looking for another job. The deli has gotten really busy lately, so I've been getting more hours (thank god, my last pay check was like ...a dollar. not really, but close enough). But I'm still looking for something more full time, or something that is more fulfilling. I dunno... maybe I just need to pursue a hobby. I want more to fill my time. I should work out more. I should start painting again. I was a lot more productive before we had cable and internet haha...we got that a couple months ago and I've really gone downhill. We should cancel it and save $50 a month -- or put it towards the car! Yeah...we should do that.
Anywho! I'll update when things happen.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Feeling the need to blog.
Sometimes the downfall of planning everything so far ahead, is that life seems to inch slowly by while you wait for the follow through.
I cling to the small events to keep me afloat.
The wedding is still 17 months away. Which is good, because we need all the time we can get to save money. But it's also...just too far away. I mean, the fact that we're already married doesn't help. I guess...it'll be better once he tells his parents (in two weeks), because then we can just tell everyone. I'm tired of lying to everyone. I mean it's not like a huge hole in my heart or anything, it's just sort of an uncomfortable feeling.
More people know now. I told Elise, Megan, Carrie and Jess. And Jen and my family and Aaron already know. I'm nervous about telling my Grandma's. I'm nervous about Austin telling his parents. Really nervous. I don't know what to expect. It makes me a little crazy I guess, thinking about it...which is why I'm rambling about it now.
It is what it is. Take a deep breath. Accept it. Let it go.
I feel like the wedding is pretty much planned...nothing is concrete yet. It's still a year and a half away, and I'm the only one doing any of the planning...and I just want to make sure that Austin isn't going to suddenly be going to some training or something on the day of our wedding. Planning around the military isn't exactly easy...so I guess I'm afraid to put the $1000 deposit down on the place because I don't want to lose $1000 if we have to reschedule.
I'm going to plan a trip in June to go see the ceremony and reception venues. I'm excited to see them. And I'm hoping to plan a wedding dress appointment and have the girls try on dresses too. It's a lot to fit into five days...I can't really miss much work in the summer.
School starts in September. I'm still waiting to get my acceptance letter and hear from the scholarship department. I'll probably have to take out a student loan...but I'm actually okay with that. A $10,000 loan will not be that bad in the grand scheme of things. Just two more years to go! If all goes according to plan, I'll be done with school in June of 2013.
I feel like blogging, I guess, because Austin hasn't been around much. He had a two week training from January 24th to February 5th. And then he was sick the two days he had off, and had work yesterday and today. Both overnights, so he didn't get to come home. And then tomorrow and the day after we're going to Albany to see his dad and grandparents. Then he goes to work for another three days.
The next full, uninterrupted day we'll have together (so far, who knows what will happen between then and now) is Valentines Day. Ha, no pressure or anything. I told him that the only thing I want for Valentines Day is his company. That's all. I don't need him to buy me anything or do anything for me. I just want to make dinner and watch a movie together. With my luck, his dad will still be in town and he'll want to spend the day with him.
And the worst part is, when it comes down to it, I know that Austin wouldn't even think twice. He'd do it. Nevermind the fact that he's spending his birthday with his parents.
I would never say this to him but...I feel like they hog all the holidays. Each and every holiday. And it's frustrating for me. I'm lucky his Mom and I have different birthdays. Or I'd be screwed. And very lonely on my birthday.
I mean...I know that this is a fairly new relationship. We've only been together for a year. And he's still young. His parents still see him as their little boy. I guess I just thought that marriage would change some things. Like, maybe he'd spend his birthday with me, maybe he'd spend Christmas with me.
I'd never say that to him though. His birthday isn't about me, it's about him and what he wants to do. So I didn't even mention that I felt slighted; I want him to do what makes him happy. And honestly, I know that if I mentioned it at all, it's such a touchy subject that he would immediately get defensive and accuse me of trying to come between him and his family....just like last time. Yay...
Maybe we can work it out on our own. I guess we just need a little time. This is the first year. The first go-around with the holidays. Who knows? Maybe it'll get better. I hope. If it doesn't I guess we can consider counseling, but I highly doubt he'd ever willingly submit to that. He can be so stubborn and closed off.
When we had our conversation about telling his parents it took me the better part of an hour to get him to soften up enough to even listen to me. He was acting really really cold towards me. And I got pretty hysterical and he finally kind of let me in. It wasn't pretty. Or mature. By any means. It got the job done I guess...
I feel like we have this pattern. Where something will build up, or we'll have a conflict, and he'll be stubborn or oblivious to the problem, and I'll get mad, and he'll continue to argue, and I'll get over the top mad, and he'll back down and apologize, even if he doesn't mean it just because he wants everything to be okay.
Ahhh. I'm done blogging.
I cling to the small events to keep me afloat.
The wedding is still 17 months away. Which is good, because we need all the time we can get to save money. But it's also...just too far away. I mean, the fact that we're already married doesn't help. I guess...it'll be better once he tells his parents (in two weeks), because then we can just tell everyone. I'm tired of lying to everyone. I mean it's not like a huge hole in my heart or anything, it's just sort of an uncomfortable feeling.
More people know now. I told Elise, Megan, Carrie and Jess. And Jen and my family and Aaron already know. I'm nervous about telling my Grandma's. I'm nervous about Austin telling his parents. Really nervous. I don't know what to expect. It makes me a little crazy I guess, thinking about it...which is why I'm rambling about it now.
It is what it is. Take a deep breath. Accept it. Let it go.
I feel like the wedding is pretty much planned...nothing is concrete yet. It's still a year and a half away, and I'm the only one doing any of the planning...and I just want to make sure that Austin isn't going to suddenly be going to some training or something on the day of our wedding. Planning around the military isn't exactly easy...so I guess I'm afraid to put the $1000 deposit down on the place because I don't want to lose $1000 if we have to reschedule.
I'm going to plan a trip in June to go see the ceremony and reception venues. I'm excited to see them. And I'm hoping to plan a wedding dress appointment and have the girls try on dresses too. It's a lot to fit into five days...I can't really miss much work in the summer.
School starts in September. I'm still waiting to get my acceptance letter and hear from the scholarship department. I'll probably have to take out a student loan...but I'm actually okay with that. A $10,000 loan will not be that bad in the grand scheme of things. Just two more years to go! If all goes according to plan, I'll be done with school in June of 2013.
I feel like blogging, I guess, because Austin hasn't been around much. He had a two week training from January 24th to February 5th. And then he was sick the two days he had off, and had work yesterday and today. Both overnights, so he didn't get to come home. And then tomorrow and the day after we're going to Albany to see his dad and grandparents. Then he goes to work for another three days.
The next full, uninterrupted day we'll have together (so far, who knows what will happen between then and now) is Valentines Day. Ha, no pressure or anything. I told him that the only thing I want for Valentines Day is his company. That's all. I don't need him to buy me anything or do anything for me. I just want to make dinner and watch a movie together. With my luck, his dad will still be in town and he'll want to spend the day with him.
And the worst part is, when it comes down to it, I know that Austin wouldn't even think twice. He'd do it. Nevermind the fact that he's spending his birthday with his parents.
I would never say this to him but...I feel like they hog all the holidays. Each and every holiday. And it's frustrating for me. I'm lucky his Mom and I have different birthdays. Or I'd be screwed. And very lonely on my birthday.
I mean...I know that this is a fairly new relationship. We've only been together for a year. And he's still young. His parents still see him as their little boy. I guess I just thought that marriage would change some things. Like, maybe he'd spend his birthday with me, maybe he'd spend Christmas with me.
I'd never say that to him though. His birthday isn't about me, it's about him and what he wants to do. So I didn't even mention that I felt slighted; I want him to do what makes him happy. And honestly, I know that if I mentioned it at all, it's such a touchy subject that he would immediately get defensive and accuse me of trying to come between him and his family....just like last time. Yay...
Maybe we can work it out on our own. I guess we just need a little time. This is the first year. The first go-around with the holidays. Who knows? Maybe it'll get better. I hope. If it doesn't I guess we can consider counseling, but I highly doubt he'd ever willingly submit to that. He can be so stubborn and closed off.
When we had our conversation about telling his parents it took me the better part of an hour to get him to soften up enough to even listen to me. He was acting really really cold towards me. And I got pretty hysterical and he finally kind of let me in. It wasn't pretty. Or mature. By any means. It got the job done I guess...
I feel like we have this pattern. Where something will build up, or we'll have a conflict, and he'll be stubborn or oblivious to the problem, and I'll get mad, and he'll continue to argue, and I'll get over the top mad, and he'll back down and apologize, even if he doesn't mean it just because he wants everything to be okay.
Ahhh. I'm done blogging.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
He's telling his parents.
I was tired of it. Of always having to hide that I was married...having to lie to friends and family. Being treated like a girlfriend who would be replaced by a new girlfriend by his family. Simply tired of it. And when hubby's parents invited him to Hawaii...and he was going to go without a second thought, I was just done.
I don't expect his parents to treat me like his wife when they have no idea, but HE knows, and he should know better than to leave his wife for a week at random. That's just rude. "hey babe, I'm gonna go to hawaii and have an awesome time for a week. have fun...at work nstuff bye!"
So anyway, this has all really built up obviously, and we had a long talk about it, I fought tears, he fought tears, we fought the urge to kill each other, I gripped the hand made shank tightly in my hand, at times contemplating using it...but we finally came to an agreement. It's not fair to me to keep things a secret from his family. So, he's telling them next month when he goes down there for his birthday.
We're both really nervous about how they will react...they're probably going to be pretty mad that he hid it for so long. I'm nervous that they will hate me forever; always hold it against me, blame me. I'm not quite sure. I hope that they can get past it.
He's in South Carolina for two weeks for training...I'm using this time to search out things in my community that I would be interested in. I'm trying to find an art class to sign up for, thinking about trying out for a play, going to a pottery class and doing more yoga. Oh, and I did our taxes today! Wooo. I thought it would be really difficult, because I worked in two different states last year, and we got married. But it actually wasn't that difficult at all, yayyy. And we got $1500 back. Not a ton, but it'll do. It's all going in savings. Well, we will use whatever Austin needs to replace the clutch in the Mustang, but everything else is definitely going into savings. We need to start building up that account for the wedding.
Oh, we're paying for our own wedding. I told him, if it's money you're worried about; if you're worried your parents won't pay for the wedding if they know we're already married, then I don't want them to pay for it at all. We should just pay our own way. I figured out the budget for the wedding, and with travel expenses for the two of us, we're looking at about $10,000. So...we won't be able to afford a real honey moon, but at least we'll get a wedding. On our terms. Which really matters to me.
I don't expect his parents to treat me like his wife when they have no idea, but HE knows, and he should know better than to leave his wife for a week at random. That's just rude. "hey babe, I'm gonna go to hawaii and have an awesome time for a week. have fun...at work nstuff bye!"
So anyway, this has all really built up obviously, and we had a long talk about it, I fought tears, he fought tears, we fought the urge to kill each other, I gripped the hand made shank tightly in my hand, at times contemplating using it...but we finally came to an agreement. It's not fair to me to keep things a secret from his family. So, he's telling them next month when he goes down there for his birthday.
We're both really nervous about how they will react...they're probably going to be pretty mad that he hid it for so long. I'm nervous that they will hate me forever; always hold it against me, blame me. I'm not quite sure. I hope that they can get past it.
He's in South Carolina for two weeks for training...I'm using this time to search out things in my community that I would be interested in. I'm trying to find an art class to sign up for, thinking about trying out for a play, going to a pottery class and doing more yoga. Oh, and I did our taxes today! Wooo. I thought it would be really difficult, because I worked in two different states last year, and we got married. But it actually wasn't that difficult at all, yayyy. And we got $1500 back. Not a ton, but it'll do. It's all going in savings. Well, we will use whatever Austin needs to replace the clutch in the Mustang, but everything else is definitely going into savings. We need to start building up that account for the wedding.
Oh, we're paying for our own wedding. I told him, if it's money you're worried about; if you're worried your parents won't pay for the wedding if they know we're already married, then I don't want them to pay for it at all. We should just pay our own way. I figured out the budget for the wedding, and with travel expenses for the two of us, we're looking at about $10,000. So...we won't be able to afford a real honey moon, but at least we'll get a wedding. On our terms. Which really matters to me.
Friday, November 19, 2010
I'm distressed.
Because somebody pointed out the truth.
And Jack Nicholson was right...I can't handle the truth. I can't handle the truth at all.
I was talking to a mutual friend of hubby's and mine tonight, and he doesn't know that we're married...just like the rest of the world.
And I said that I didn't like that I wouldn't be able to have Christmas dinner with hubby. And he said something to the effect of, well I never did with my ex girlfriend either! That's family time.
...I consider hubby my family. I'd like to think that he considers me his family too...but nobody else knows we're married, so we'll be treated as a dating couple. I hate feeling like I'm being petty...I hate feeling like I'm asking hubby to put me before his family. I don't want to put him in that position. I don't want that to be an issue. I want him to be able to love us all equally.
But...at some point, I'm supposed to come first, right?
Or is that just asinine to even believe?
I'm not sure who my issue is with here. I'm not mad at his family for not involving me more or letting me sleep at their house with hubby, because as far as they know, I'm just his fiance. And I guess I do understand their viewpoint.
I think I'm mainly upset with hubby and myself for keeping it a secret. It just seems like the only way sometimes. I can't even imagine their reaction to knowing we were already married. I kind of feel like maybe we just shouldn't have gotten married. I love him to death, and I love being his wife, but...it hurts sometimes that nobody else can know. :/
I know that most people would just say, you need to tell them, let the truth set you free. But the thing is...it wouldn't set us free. The lie is kind of what insures our freedom at the moment. If they knew, I would be the black sheep, I would be villainized and I'd always get 'that' look at family get togethers.
I know I just need to suck it up. I know that. I need to deal with it until the actual wedding. It's only two Christmases. I can handle that. I'll spend time with my family.
...but Hubby is my family too... and I want to feel like he feels the same way. I feel devalued.
Alright, I've rambled on enough.
Until next time. :/
And Jack Nicholson was right...I can't handle the truth. I can't handle the truth at all.
I was talking to a mutual friend of hubby's and mine tonight, and he doesn't know that we're married...just like the rest of the world.
And I said that I didn't like that I wouldn't be able to have Christmas dinner with hubby. And he said something to the effect of, well I never did with my ex girlfriend either! That's family time.
...I consider hubby my family. I'd like to think that he considers me his family too...but nobody else knows we're married, so we'll be treated as a dating couple. I hate feeling like I'm being petty...I hate feeling like I'm asking hubby to put me before his family. I don't want to put him in that position. I don't want that to be an issue. I want him to be able to love us all equally.
But...at some point, I'm supposed to come first, right?
Or is that just asinine to even believe?
I'm not sure who my issue is with here. I'm not mad at his family for not involving me more or letting me sleep at their house with hubby, because as far as they know, I'm just his fiance. And I guess I do understand their viewpoint.
I think I'm mainly upset with hubby and myself for keeping it a secret. It just seems like the only way sometimes. I can't even imagine their reaction to knowing we were already married. I kind of feel like maybe we just shouldn't have gotten married. I love him to death, and I love being his wife, but...it hurts sometimes that nobody else can know. :/
I know that most people would just say, you need to tell them, let the truth set you free. But the thing is...it wouldn't set us free. The lie is kind of what insures our freedom at the moment. If they knew, I would be the black sheep, I would be villainized and I'd always get 'that' look at family get togethers.
I know I just need to suck it up. I know that. I need to deal with it until the actual wedding. It's only two Christmases. I can handle that. I'll spend time with my family.
...but Hubby is my family too... and I want to feel like he feels the same way. I feel devalued.
Alright, I've rambled on enough.
Until next time. :/
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