I'm distressed.

Because somebody pointed out the truth.
And Jack Nicholson was right...I can't handle the truth. I can't handle the truth at all.

I was talking to a mutual friend of hubby's and mine tonight, and he doesn't know that we're married...just like the rest of the world.
And I said that I didn't like that I wouldn't be able to have Christmas dinner with hubby. And he said something to the effect of, well I never did with my ex girlfriend either! That's family time.

...I consider hubby my family. I'd like to think that he considers me his family too...but nobody else knows we're married, so we'll be treated as a dating couple. I hate feeling like I'm being petty...I hate feeling like I'm asking hubby to put me before his family. I don't want to put him in that position. I don't want that to be an issue. I want him to be able to love us all equally.

But...at some point, I'm supposed to come first, right?
Or is that just asinine to even believe?

I'm not sure who my issue is with here. I'm not mad at his family for not involving me more or letting me sleep at their house with hubby, because as far as they know, I'm just his fiance. And I guess I do understand their viewpoint.

I think I'm mainly upset with hubby and myself for keeping it a secret. It just seems like the only way sometimes. I can't even imagine their reaction to knowing we were already married. I kind of feel like maybe we just shouldn't have gotten married. I love him to death, and I love being his wife, but...it hurts sometimes that nobody else can know. :/

I know that most people would just say, you need to tell them, let the truth set you free. But the thing is...it wouldn't set us free. The lie is kind of what insures our freedom at the moment. If they knew, I would be the black sheep, I would be villainized and I'd always get 'that' look at family get togethers.
I know I just need to suck it up. I know that. I need to deal with it until the actual wedding. It's only two Christmases. I can handle that. I'll spend time with my family.

...but Hubby is my family too... and I want to feel like he feels the same way. I feel devalued.


Alright, I've rambled on enough.
Until next time. :/

I love my husband.

Plain and simple.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Hope I get to go home for Christmas!

That would make me so happy :)