I'm distressed.

Because somebody pointed out the truth.
And Jack Nicholson was right...I can't handle the truth. I can't handle the truth at all.

I was talking to a mutual friend of hubby's and mine tonight, and he doesn't know that we're married...just like the rest of the world.
And I said that I didn't like that I wouldn't be able to have Christmas dinner with hubby. And he said something to the effect of, well I never did with my ex girlfriend either! That's family time.

...I consider hubby my family. I'd like to think that he considers me his family too...but nobody else knows we're married, so we'll be treated as a dating couple. I hate feeling like I'm being petty...I hate feeling like I'm asking hubby to put me before his family. I don't want to put him in that position. I don't want that to be an issue. I want him to be able to love us all equally.

But...at some point, I'm supposed to come first, right?
Or is that just asinine to even believe?

I'm not sure who my issue is with here. I'm not mad at his family for not involving me more or letting me sleep at their house with hubby, because as far as they know, I'm just his fiance. And I guess I do understand their viewpoint.

I think I'm mainly upset with hubby and myself for keeping it a secret. It just seems like the only way sometimes. I can't even imagine their reaction to knowing we were already married. I kind of feel like maybe we just shouldn't have gotten married. I love him to death, and I love being his wife, but...it hurts sometimes that nobody else can know. :/

I know that most people would just say, you need to tell them, let the truth set you free. But the thing is...it wouldn't set us free. The lie is kind of what insures our freedom at the moment. If they knew, I would be the black sheep, I would be villainized and I'd always get 'that' look at family get togethers.
I know I just need to suck it up. I know that. I need to deal with it until the actual wedding. It's only two Christmases. I can handle that. I'll spend time with my family.

...but Hubby is my family too... and I want to feel like he feels the same way. I feel devalued.


Alright, I've rambled on enough.
Until next time. :/

I love my husband.

Plain and simple.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Hope I get to go home for Christmas!

That would make me so happy :)

My little white patoot

The clouds are moving so quickly.
They're zooming past my window, it's crazy.
It goes from raining cats and dogs to a slight drizzle. That's how it always is here.

Last week the rain started, and it hasn't really stopped since. I feel like it's always raining here. I knew that was what to expect, but you don't really know it until you live it.

Let's see, I haven't updated in a couple of weeks.
Jen moved back to Nevada. She spent the night here last night because she didn't think she and her boyfriend could make the drive without sleeping. I didn't even see her, I just left the door unlocked and I left for work before they even woke up. The house was neat when I get home, it was almost like she was never here.

I'm getting sick. My throat is killing me right now.

Oh, I got disowned by my family. Yayyyy. haha, no but seriously. On facebook I posted a status about legalizing pot, just asking for people's opinions, and I'm in favor of it and I think I made that pretty clear. My aunt completely disagrees and tried to change my mind and make me sound stupid, and I was like, actually my opinion is completely informed...I'm not stupid, I don't smoke it, I have a lot of reasons, political, economical and otherwise for wanting it to be legalized. So she called my grandma and told her that I was posting pro marijuana stuff all over the internet, and my grandma called me to yell at me and tell me that I was going to get Hubby fired. Awesome. I told her I disagreed and she and my aunt were completely out of line, she said some really harsh things and hung up.

And that was that. I deleted my aunt from my facebook, because this isn't the first time she's put her nose where it shouldn't be, and if she has such a problem with my political views, then being facebook friends doesn't do either of us a bit of good.

My grandma and aunt put my sister right into the middle of it too, and because my grandma sends my sister checks every month to help her pay her bills and feed her children, my sister had to be submissive and agree with whatever my grandma said. She told her to stay out of it and my sister would not talk to me about it after that. But that's just how my grandma is. My grandpa was in the Navy, he died, and my grandma has been living off his pension ever since, and giving away his money to those family members that 'need it'. But it's not really a gift, no no. As much as she'd like you to believe. It's the money that she uses to control everybody's lives. It's sick. She's done it to my parents for years. Threatens to stop sending money if we don't behave a certain way, think certain things, and I, for one, would rather die in a ditch than accept any of her money. Thank God she doesn't send me money, because that means I'm allowed to have my own opinions, and speak them.

She tried to call me today, but I was at work. I saw the missed call when I got home, but I have no intention of calling her back, or of picking up the phone if she calls. She and my Aunt are batshit crazy, and I'm just done with it all. My mom's side of the family can kiss my patootie. I've tried, and failed to make it work. And I'm just done trying.



Other than that, Hubby has been at the station for two days now and won't be home until Tuesday. :( Then he goes back to work Wednesday and Thursday. SAD. Next weekend will be good at least. We found out the dates that he's going to Reno in December and I can't go with him. I'd miss too much work :/ Oh well. I don't want to miss a bunch of work because I don't want a tiny pay check. I have to pay for school in January. And that's going to be a tidy sum.

Worked all day.
Came home and cleaned the house.

Spent the night painting and making love.

It was a really good day. :)

Damn UTIs.

Hubby works today and tomorrow, so he left for work at 6:30 this morning and I slept in until 9. I pretty much spent the first few hours of my day watching episodes of Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant. Is it just me or do you want to punch 65% of the dads on those shows in the face? Actually, the moms too. And I often wonder why CPS isn't being called on most of these girls.

...anyway.
I felt like a lazy bum. And I felt bad. I always feel bad knowing he's at work and I'm just laying around watching the tube. So I started cleaning. I did all the laundry and I went to the store and bought a mop and a toilet scrubber (finally), and cleaned the crap out of the rest of the house.

I was really crabby with hubby the last two days because my UTI came back, and he's not super sympathetic with these things...because he just doesn't really understand, which is alright. He's a wonderful person, just not the most empathetic of beings.
Luckily, I was able to get rid of the UTI on my own. I just drank an entire bottle of 100% pure cranberry juice and a ton of water and took cranberry pills and vitamin C. I drank a few tablespoons of Apple Cider Vinegar throughout the day too. I guess I caught it early enough because I was able to kick it. The last one I had I had to go get antibiotics (but apparently they didn't work because it came back with a vengeance).

I'm just so tired of getting these freaking UTIs every time we have sex. And going to the doctor and being told to wipe from front to back (really?!) and to pee after sex (for the record, I pee religiously after sex). Bah! I'm just going to drink cranberry juice every night and hopefully that helps.

All things car.

We bought a new car!
It's nice :)
But I think it's hubby's, for sure.

Deli times.

It's been a couple weeks, I'm a terrible blogger.

So let's see...

First of all, I ended up going to the emergency room for that bladder infection...it got a lot worse and hubby made me go. Thank God I'm on his Tricare or I'd be screwed. Did you know emergency room visits are $600? Neither did I.
They did a pregnancy test too because it had been a while since I'd had a period, and guess who's pregnant?!
Not me.

Thank God.


Anyway, last week I put in an application at a local french cheese company, and they called me in and they hired me. So I'm just going to be working there on the weekends, but they've been training me, so I've been working during the week. My first day was Wednesday, and man...they just throw you right into it. Everybody there does everything. They all cook, they all do dishes, they all wait on tables, bus tables, you name it, they do it. And they work like a well oiled machine because most of them have been there for years.

So Wednesday I worked a 9 hour shift, and for the first half I mainly just washed dishes because everybody just seemed to know what they were doing, and everybody was already doing everything. So I just tried to fit in where I was needed, and nobody was doing dishes, so I did that. And then I walked around and got people's dishes and bussed tables. And then I slowly started to take some of the orders out, and then about halfway through the shift, after it started to slow down a little (it was crazy busy that day) I started to take people's orders, and I made a few orders as well. Then Jeannie, the main person that I work with, showed me how to close everything for the day. The deli is only open 11-3:30, so generally I get out of there at about 4:30.

Yesterday, Thursday, I went in at 10, so most of the slicing had already been done, and I just wrapped the meat up and packaged some cheese and an hour later the deli opened. It wasn't as busy as Wednesday but we had the same amount of people, so this time I kinda didn't know what to do sometimes...and I hadn't gotten a lot of sleep the night before (which I'll explain soon), so I was pretty tired and a little sluggish. I was doing my best to keep up but I just felt kinda exhausted and run down, and one of the managers told me I needed to do things faster, in a nice way, but it still kinda made me feel crappy, so I wasn't feeling really good about the job yesterday.

Today was a lot better though. I seemed to get a little more into the swing of it. Started out the day by just doing sort of odds and ends. I came in at 10:30 and the deli opened a half an hour later. People were just kinda trickling in and it was manageable for just me and Deb, the short order cook for the mornings. I would take the orders, get the side dishes ready for her, take the orders out. And then more orders started coming in, and more people started coming back to help, so I would find something that needed to be done, and somebody else would be doing it. And I started to feel out of place again...but not as much as Thursday. And I seemed to do a lot more things right, which made me feel better about tomorrow.

Tomorrow is Saturday, and apparently weekends are totally insane there, which makes sense because this is a big tourist town, and Kenzie, the brie manager, was telling me that on Saturday I was going to be on my own. And I was like ...on my own? What? And I'm still not sure what exactly she means by that. Because then she told me that someone else would be there to help me. And I'm like ...you mean I'll be there to help that person right? I don't know. I mean, I'm nervous...I hope it's not more than I can handle, but I guess we'll just find out. Maybe she meant that I'd be on my own after the deli closes. Like, maybe that other person will go home when it closes at 3:30, and I'll have to close alone, which I can do. That's not really a big deal, but if she means on my own like, the other woman goes home at 1...I'm screwed. That means I'll have to be making all the sandwiches, and I don't even know the sandwiches. I know like three of them. And it generally starts slowing down around 2 or 2:30, but on a Saturday I don't know how it'll be.

Oh, and tomorrow we have a group of 40 people coming in at 12. Tomorrow is going to be completely crazy. I have Sunday off though, so that's good news. Yayyyyyyy.

Jen is moving back to Washington and she's leaving early tomorrow morning, and she's going to stay with me and Hubby tomorrow night, so that'll be fun, and I'm glad I'm not working on Sunday morning so I won't have to go to bed at 10 o'clock.

Oh, and the reason I didn't get much sleep on Wednesday night? Hubby and I went to Hillsboro right after I got off work to look at cars and ended up buying a 2000 Ford Mustang, and we didn't get home until after midnight, and I didn't get to sleep until about 2 am. And woke up six and a half hours later for work. And I'm used to a lot more sleep than that.

Anyway, I'll try to update more, and I'll post some pictures of the new car.

Peeing in Oregon.

Well, we're all moved in. We drove all day Tuesday and unpacked everything that night, then he had leave until Friday, so we spent a couple days together, getting the house together, going grocery shopping, exploring the town.

He went back to work yesterday and when I woke up I felt like I was starting to get a UTI...yay. So I did what I always do for that, I took a couple vitamin c pills, like five cranberry pills, drank a gallon of cranberry juice and just continued drinking water all day. It seemed to be working but I still had it last night. I had to get up a few times during the night to pee...yay. And this morning I woke up peeing blood! So how was your day? haha.

No, but seriously. It does feel a little better, like I don't feel the constant urge to pee, but when I do pee it still burns like the dickins and I'm totally bleeding. Kidney infection? Quite possibly. Unfortunately, hubby has his truck and he's at work until tomorrow evening. And I'm not sure if I'm on his health insurance or not yet. So I don't really want to go to the doctor, but if I start getting nauseous or get a fever or lower back pain, I'll just walk down to the nearest doctor's office, fees be damned. I don't want a kidney infection. That would be no fun at all.


So that's been my first few days in Oregon. Yayyyy.
Ow! I have to pee.
I'll update more later.

My house!

Here's the front door, there were trees in front of our house (hence the shadows) but the landlord had to cut them down because they were pushing up the side walk. Sadface. But it's alright, at least we'll have flat sidewalks.


The hallway, to our left we have a coat closet (and not seen in the photo, to the left is the kitchen) further up is the entrance to the living room. Straight ahead, we have our master bedroom, and then the bathroom (not seen in the photograph to the right is the spare bedroom).


This is the view of the living room from the kitchen. It's really big, I'm pumped! I want to put a little dining table and a couple chairs on the wall separating the kitchen and the living room.


This is our little kitchen! With dishwasher and all! Yayyyy.


In the back is our washer and dryer area, then the opening to the living room, and then the counter that will soon be filled with assorted kitchen appliances.


So, all in all, hubby did good.
I love our new house. It's the perfect size for us, and we've got a little guest room for anybody (godwilling somebody) who wants to visit! :)

Moving woes.

So, it's looking like the moving date is going to be August 31st. God willing.
This is, of course, assuming that Hubby finds us a place to live. It's hard to find listings for anything online, because this is such a small town, so I've been relying on him to check out the local paper and go look at places. This is hard for me, because I'm such a control freak. But I've been doing my darndest to just settle back and let him take the reigns.

Yeah, that ended five days ago. He hadn't even turned in our marriage license so we could start getting the basic allowance for housing! So on Monday I not so subtly reminded him to pick up a copy, mail me one (so I can change my driver's license and social security card and bank account) and to turn one in so we could get the ball rolling. Thank jebus he picked up the copies, but did he turn one in? Of course he didn't. FRUSTRATING. He says he mailed me a copy but I'm not sure if he really did or not. I hope to god he did.

If he doesn't turn in our marriage license soon, we are SO not going to have the BAH by the time he comes here. He's putting in his chit for the last week of August, to visit his family, meet the rest of mine, and then help me move. But I can't really move all my stuff and myself if we don't have a place to live!

And has he looked for a place to live? Nope.
Not a lick.

He went for a four hour bike ride yesterday.
It's like, k cool honey, I understand you need some down time. I get that. But I don't want to live in a card board box!!!

So I went online and found the local paper online and checked out the classifieds and gave him the numbers to all the places that looked good and asked him to please please check them out. Which he was supposed to do yesterday.
But like I said...4 hour bike ride.

SIGH. What am I going to do with him?
And this is the man I'm having children with?!

By the way.

I'm very happy.

I got hitched!

So...hubby and I got married on Saturday.

I'll post pictures as soon as I get them, one of our witnesses was kind enough to take some. Apparently she took like 80.

We got married in Hillsboro, Oregon on the steps of the Courthouse, in the middle of a farmer's market. With two girls he works with at the station as witnesses. And a dog. And all of Hillsboro milling around and bartering over heads of lettuce.

It was great though. :)
I'm happy.

My shoe broke right before the ceremony.

That night we went ice skating and saw the movie Inception, which was AWESOME.

I don't feel married.
I dunno...I guess it just hasn't hit me yet.

I miss this face.

This was the best day of my life. Seriously. Hands down.

In Lincoln City, we spent so much time just walking along the beach, holding hands.

This was when we first got there. The first thing I wanted to do was walk on the beach. (I saw him eyeing the bed when we first got there, but no no no. I knew once we went there, we'd be there for a while. I wanted some one on one...on one time with the ocean haha.)






And here, I thought we were taking legitimate photographs for posterity. But no, Mr. I'm 12 years old just haaaaaaaad to give me bunny ears.

I didn't even realize until I got home and he sent these to me.

His camera died within two hours of getting there, so all of our pictures were taken in the same afternoon.





This was the balcony of our super cute room. It was awesome. It was at this little inn, and we were in the 'penthouse' suite. 12 steps away from the ocean. BEAUTIFUL view from our room. Like, crazy beautiful.

This was the view. Holy crap right? Yeah, this was the first sunset we ever watched together, right from our balcony. And every night, we slept with the sliding patio doors open, and the curtains open so we would wake up to the ocean. It was so amazing.

I miss him so much :(

I couldn't even sleep last night from missing him so much. Sigh.

I can't wait to see him soon. :)

My baby.

So, this is my baby. Her name is Rosie.

I was taking pictures of her all day, because I have to get ready to sell her before I move.

:(

She was my first car. I got her when I was eighteen.

I'm going to miss her so much :(

Granted, she's cost me a lot of money, and frustration.

But she's always been there for me as well.

I'm posting these pictures for posterity.
Someday when I'm old and driving like...an SVU or a Prius or something, I'll look back fondly on my Cadillac days...

When this was the wheel I drove behind every day.

People make fun of her all the time, because she's way too pimp for me.

But I'm hers, and she's mine. And that's how it is for better or for worse.

...til now :(

Ooh, another addition to my secret marriage blog ;)

Day 2 of 4 days off! (Okay, 3 days off, I worked from 6-3 on Monday, BUT I erased it from my memory. So it's like it never really happened.)

I bought my plane ticket to Portland today, and hubby and I talked last night about the arrangements. We're going to stay in Tillamook so I can kinda get a feel for the town, seeing as that I'll be moving there in a little over a month. And he's going to show me the house he found. I hope it has a big back yard. I really want an Australian Shepherd. They're such gorgeous dogs...

Anyway, he sort of wanted to stay in Lincoln City again but I thought it'd be a better idea for me to get to explore my future surroundings. I'm such a planner, I have to be able to sort of get a head start on getting my bearings. I'm so nervous to move away from the only place I've ever lived. BAH. I'm excited though. I get to be with the man I love. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I get to be with the man I love.



The court house is open monday through friday, until 5 pm. And my flight gets into Portland at 11:30 so we'll get to the courthouse by like...2 pm probably. I need to look into Oregon's marriage process. I don't even know if there's a waiting period in Oregon or not. I know there isn't one in Nevada, but SOMEBODY ruined the day we were supposed to elope here. So hmpf.





..............Okay I just looked it all up. It's a little cheaper in Oregon, only $50 for the license, and there IS a 3 day waiting period until the license becomes effective. But that's fine. He can get all the paperwork in by August 2nd, and then it'll take about two weeks for it to all be official, and for them to start giving him BAH, and then he can find our house and I can move up! So we're still looking at the end of August, early September at the latest. I'm excited!



I don't know if I mentioned that I put my notice in at work. August 19th is my last day :) I'm so happy. I mean, I still have to work there for another month, which bites, but I'm going to get out soon, and that is so exciting. They treat us all like crap there, so I'm really looking forward to getting the hell out.



Eeee. I'm excited.

This is the building we're getting married in. :)

I'm such a goof. haha

But, damnit! I'm excited :)

20 days :)

I was sitting at work today, thinking about how I've been there for two years, and I'm making as much as the team members, because minimum wage went up, and now we're all making minimum wage. So I was thinking about how much I hate working there, how much they mistreat all of us, and how I can't wait to be out of there because I've tried to get raises, and it just doesn't happen. Nobody wants to play fair.

So I'm sitting here thinking about all this, and about how I have to wait for the boy to visit at the end of August for us to even get married so he can get the paperwork in, and then two more weeks for all that to go through, then wait for the boy to find a place. And I just got really...pissed off. Tired of the waiting. Constantly waiting. I'm so tired of it. So I texted the boy and told him that on July 30 I'm going to fly up there to see him, and we're going to get married on the 31st, and then I'll leave on the 1st of August. He has that weekend off, and Nikki will be back by then, so I requested it off work. And then I put in my notice for August 19th. Because I want to get the ball rolling. I'm tired of waiting. And the boy said that'd be fine, that he has that weekend off and he doesn't have anything going on, and we'll really get married this time. And then he'll get the paperwork in and I'll be able to move at the end of August like we'd planned.

So, I'm happier. I feel like I have something concrete to look forward to, which I really needed.
My plane ticket is going to be about $200, like last time. I'll pay for that, and he'll pay for our hotel, like last time.

Restless, thunderstorms.

Hello world...I've been creeping about, unbeknownst to you.

I'm on my Mom's computer. I still haven't ordered a new fan for mine, so I can't really use it. I've just been leaving it in Reno, with the rest of my stuff. I never stay there anymore though. I haven't even been to my apartment in four or five days. I need to go back and get the rest of my stuff. The driving to and from work sucks, but it's only about ten minutes more, and it's worth it to be here. I love Carson...I've missed it so much, missed being around people, my mom, having human contact. And now Jen can do whatever she wants; have her addict friends stay at the apartment in the living room, whatever. Doesn't matter to me. Though, I will feel much better once I get the rest of my stuff out of there. It makes me uncomfortable knowing I've got stuff up there still.

I think after work on Sunday I'll stay at my apartment, then pack the rest of my stuff into my car, and then after work on Monday I'll go back to Carson. I have three days in a row off! I'm so excited :) I'm going to go to the library and get some books. And the boy has Monday and Tuesday off, so we can skype!

I don't get to see him again until mid August or so. :(
Boo. I miss him so much...it's cliche, but it really does hurt at times. Waking up thinking he's there because I'm half asleep, but he's not. And my sheets and my pillows smell like him. But he's not there :/

Alright...well I don't have much to say, it turns out.

Laptop fan fail.

My entries may be few and far between for a little while. My lap top's fan broke, so I can only be on for about a half an hour before it overheats and dies. I'm going to go to Walmart soon and get an external fan for like $15 pretty soon here, and hopefully that helps the problem.
We shall see!

The boy has tomorrow and Tuesday off, but we can't skype because of my fan :/ and we can't talk on the phone because I only have lik 36 minutes left until July 5th. Crazy. Good thing I'm seeing him in five days, because my technology is falling apart!

Okay I've been on for about twenty minutes so I don't really have any time left.

Missing my bear :(

Only five days and 18 hours.

I'm missing him so much right now. I've been missing him a lot this week; we haven't gotten to talk very much. He had Wednesday and Thursday off, but I worked both days, and Thursday night I went over to Jessica's for dinner, so we didn't get to talk that night. And he went to bed early Wednesday. He's always so tired when we talk...it feels like I only get the burnt out ends to his days.

it's better than nothing at all.

I'm glad I went to jess' house for dinner. I haven't hung out with friends in a long time, and I needed to get out of the apartment for a few hours. It's hard being here, especially when Jen is home. It's awkward and she's horrible to me. Makes me feel like nobody likes me. And then I hang out with Jess and Carrie and remember that I do have friends. These are the girls that are going to be my bridesmaids.

I'm meeting his parents next Friday. I'm unbelievably nervous. But I'm so excited to see him that that overrules the feelings of nervousness. I can't wait to see him. He is my everything, and I hate not being able to sleep in his arms every night. I'm being sappy, but I don't care. I'm in a sappy mood. I just miss waking up to him so much. It's the most contented, wonderful feeling in the world.

He found a house for us in Tillamook! But we may not be able to get it, only because we're not going to be able to move in until August, and it may be gone by then. It's 2 bedrooms, for $800 a month + utilities. And we're given $944 a month in BAH, so that's pretty much perfect. We're not making any money off of the BAH, but that's fine.

It's downtown, right next to a Safeway and pretty much within ten minutes of everything. There's a Starbucks in the Safeway that I'm going to apply to...it's a small town, so I'm nervous about finding a job. But when it comes to drink places, I'm probably a little more experienced/qualified than like...high school kids looking for jobs. So I hope I hope I hope I can get a job there. I just need to work like 25 or 30 hours a week to earn some extra money for us, and to occupy my time while I wait to go back to school.

I was thinking about getting my CNA, just for the hell of it, so that I can get a job at like a hospital or something. It's just semester of coursework then an intensive test, and then you get your CNA license and you're qualified to be a nurses assistant. And there are a lot of care-provider positions open in Tillamook as well. So that would certainly be useful.

Everything will be okay. Anytime I start to worry, or overanalyze, or get anxious about moving or about getting married, or any of it, I talk to the boy. And hearing his voice, and hearing how self assured and confident he is gives me confidence. It automatically soothes me. And then I don't worry. It's just when we go long stretches without more than a few text messages...those are the hard days. But being a military wife is about learning independence, and being strong for your husband so that he can do what he loves. He'd do the same for me, will do the same for me.

Mindfuck.

Jen came into my work today.
Didn't say anything to me.
Ordered a drink, someone else took her order. I didn't even see her until he handed it to her, then she left. No acknowledgment.
Why would she even come in at all? I feel like she just came in to fuck with my head.

Ugh.

Is it just me...

...or does planning your own wedding make you want to blow your brains out?

My god, there is so much that goes into this. It's ridiculous. The dress, the bridesmaid dresses, the groomsmen's tuxes, the venues for the ceremony and for the reception. I thought I finally found an awesome package at this like, Irish Pub, they would set everything up for our ceremony for 25 people at Emerald Bay, which is where I want to have the ceremony, and then we could have our reception in their rose garden outdoors, which is beautiful. And, say we had our reception with 60 people, the whole thing, including the ceremony would only cost around $4500. Which is NOT bad. My sister's wedding cost $3000 altogether and her wedding was great; at the Hilton in Reno. (Now the Grand Sierra). But it was really nice, and I thought a Tahoe wedding would end up costing us an arm and a leg.

Anyway, so I thought I found this awesome place, but then I read reviews...and they are very mixed. And that concerns me. Some of the reviews were like, Oh my gosh this venue made me cream my panties, but some are just like, jesus christ this place is awful. And I'm like...well shit. I'd like to believe we'd be one of the success stories but I'm a TAD worried it'll be horrible.

GAH.

I only want 60 people or so. I really really don't want to go any higher than that. And that won't be a problem for me, but I'm sure it will be for Austin. With all of his "family" and "friends". Well if I only invite like 15 people that gives him 45 to invite haha.

I'm actually compiling a list as we speak, and I don't think the damage will be too bad. So far I've got 34 people. And these are the crucial people that need to be invited, and a few family friends on both sides.

I wonder if Aubrey can be a flower girl when she's only 2 and a half? I don't know if a two and a half year old can have that kind of focus haha. Maybe if I can get someone to hold her hand and walk her down the aisle. I want Brian to be the ring bearer...maybe he can help her?

I'm only allowed to have 25 people at the actual ceremony. I just figured that out...but I'm going to have to talk to Austin. Ugh. I hate not being able to talk to him. We can talk tomorrow, and we'll discuss this then. These two months are dragging by. I want to just be able to wake him up and be like 'Yo! I need your input'

Bah.
My head is literally about to explode.

Not to mention, I don't even know if Jen and I will be talking by that point, let alone if I'll want her to be one of my bridesmaids. I mean, we've been friends for so long that it would really suck if she wasn't even AT my wedding, but ...we'll just see what happens I guess. I mean she's made no attempt to talk to me. At all. She honestly just doesn't seem to care. It's neat. And I'm moving in two months, so if we don't fix this before I go, I don't see us ever fixing it. I'll most likely still invite her, but not to be one of my bridesmaids. Not if she's gonna be a little poop. And I'm not going to like, pay for her airfare, and her dress, and all that shit if she's going to be a poop either.

Okay. Head, on the verge of combusting. I HAVE TO LEAVE.

Loneliness...oh, and work.

Last night was a bad night for missing Austin. He had the weekend off, but I didn't, and we got to talk very little. I knew it was going to be my last time talking to him for a couple days, because we both worked today and tomorrow, and I work Wednesday and Thursday, his days off. We'll get to talk for a couple hours at night, but he can't really stay up late because he always has training early in the morning (even on his days off) and I don't get home from work until around nine. Anyway, that was my really roundabout way of explaining that I don't get to see or talk to him much. (By see I mean on skype). And last night I knew it was the last time for a while. And it just hit me like a ton of bricks how lonely I am right now.

My best friend and I aren't really friends anymore, we don't talk or see each other at all, even though we live together. And she's really the only person I ever hung out with. I don't really have other friends that I hang out with. I have friends, but we only talk every once in a while or go to the occasional party together. I've been hanging out with Aaron a bit more lately, but he has work Monday through Thursday, graveyard shift. So we don't really hang out at all those days.

I mean, I am glad that Jen and I aren't best friends anymore. I'm not going to lie. I am lonely now, but she was not good for my mental health. Constantly draining me, and taking from me, not giving anything in return, manipulating...it was horrible. I was so emotionally drained all the time. I wasn't a friend to her, I was her mom. And that sucks. She would go out and have fun with other people, then she'd come home and expect me to take care of her. Uh, no thanks. I'm good.

I'm doing a lot better tonight, but talking to him last night on Skype was so hard. And it was hard for both of us. He was feeling the same way I was and it just...completely sucked :/

I can't wait to move to Oregon. It's going to be this big adventure with my favorite person. And I can't wait to be his wife.

(in 12 days!)

I'm going to be married in 12 days. That is so insane haha. But I can't imagine life any other way but to be his wife. So...I guess that's what I gotta do! :)

So...I've worked the last three days, and I'm working the next five. My next day off isn't until Sunday. My manager is SO good at doing scheduling. I had four days off last week and then I work 8 days in a row? ...can't we break it up a little? And after eight days I get one day off, then it's right back to work. Talk about suck. She sucks. Once again, can't wait to move.

I don't want to feel like I'm moving to run away from things here, but it sort of feels that way. Just because things here are so shitty. And I could look for a new job here, and find new friends here, but what's the point when I can't be with Austin? I'd rather find a new job there and find new friends there. Just sort of start over. Start a new chapter in my life with him.

I'm excited :)

Ending a friendship is hard.

Ending a best friendship is even harder.

Jen has been my best friend since we were 12 years old. That's eight years now. I've always known that she has problems. She's always had a very manipulative personality, a very strong personality, and in our middle school days she would turn every person I knew against me if I so much as looked at her the wrong way. And so, in a way, the first few years of our friendship, I sort of...had to be friends with her. Because I was afraid of being alone. I wasn't allowed to have other friends, I wasn't allowed to be happy if she wasn't. I had to always be there for her. Be her sidekick.

In middle school she was already showing signs of sex addiction, and she was smoking pot and drinking when we were just 12 years old. I held out for a couple years, and finally when I was 14 I tried drinking and smoking. I didn't do it again for a while, and never did it often, but she was a different story. She had absolutely no self control and she would have sex with anybody she wanted, do whatever drug she wanted, drink whatever and whenever she wanted. There was no parental guidance whatsoever, and this made her miserable. It made her feel alone and uncared for.

Through the years, into high school, I started to see the person underneath it all. I wanted to fix her. I had seen my mother taking on co-dependent people like this all my life, and I felt that if I didn't stand by her until she was better, I was a failure. I blamed myself for her problems, believing that if I were a better friend, she could pull herself out of all of it and become a normal member of society, sans drugs and alcohol. I've blamed myself for her problems for a long time, and she has, as a result of my standing by her through it all, always being there in her time of need, become extremely co-dependent on me.

She moved away the summer of my Junior year of High School. It may have been the best thing that ever happened to me. I started dating the Student Body President of my high school, I got extremely involved in extracurricular activities, stopped drinking, stopped smoking pot, (I hadn't had sex yet), I picked my grades up so that I was in the top 10% of my class. I was going places, I was doing things, I wasn't being dragged down anymore. Except for the occasional phone call from her, to tell me how miserable she still was. In a lot of ways though, I cut her out of my life...for me. Because it made me happier.

Over the years, she seemed to turn into a different person. She seemed more emotionally stable than she had before. The sex addiction was getting bad, she didn't have a male friend that she hadn't slept with, and she was cheating on her boyfriend of two years with a guy for a whole year. On top of that, sleeping with random men, and having flirtations with others. It didn't bother her, she felt nothing. She would drink moderately, and dabble in drugs. But she seemed more emotionally mature.

I was feeling very lonely here my first year of college, and she had always talked about moving back. And her love life got completely screwed up, everything went bad, men found out about each other, left her, she was 'heartbroken' over one of them and in an attempt to run away, came back to Nevada (which she later blamed me for).

She came back and immediately there were problems. I wasn't spending enough time with her, I wasn't giving her enough attention, I was talking to my boyfriend too much (mind you, I was working 25 hours a week and going to school full time, as well as trying to maintain a long distance relationship with DF, which especially with the military, can be very hard). Things came to a head about a month ago, when she and her boyfriend in Washington, a 45 year old man, broke up for about the 30th time (not an exaggeration), and she blamed me for everything. She blamed me for her being here at all, accusing me of making her come here for my own selfish reasons. She felt like 'a puppy i had brought home from the pound, but when i realized it was going to be work, i didn't want it anymore'.

In the past, I would have backed down. And apologized. I wouldn't have wanted to be left alone. But being older, and somewhat wiser I'd like to think, I knew that she was trying to put all of her hurt feelings over her failed relationship on me. She wanted me to be miserable. I knew that she had come here of her own accord, and it wasn't my fault. I stood up for myself. I told her to reevaluate what she believed a friend was. A friend is not your therapist, a friend is not your mother, and a friend is not somebody that bails you out time after time after time after time. That is a doormat, and I was tired of being one.

She seemed a little...shocked into submission. She didn't expect me to stand up for myself, she backed down and backed off. She stopped wanting to be with me every second of the day. She stopped demanding my attention. She seemed like she was really going to turn things around.

She and her boyfriend got back together, again. She seemed to even out a bit. She still wasn't looking very hard for a job, and expecting him to send her money when she needed it, claiming to be "so happy that she was supporting herself" and that she was finally gaining independence.

A few days ago I told her that I didn't want to move to Portland with her as we had planned. I realized that, while I have money saved up, and I'm working 35 hours a week in order to save more, and I'm looking at possible job prospects in Portland, she hasn't looked for another job other than to turn in a couple applications that she won't follow up on, and when Robert sends her money, instead of saving to pay off the $1400 debt she incurred by backing into somebody's car, or paying her rent, or paying me back for buying her groceries, she bought a $150 longboard. In other words, she has proven herself to be nothing but irresponsible with money, and in every other aspect. And I am not going to take care of her when we move. It doesn't make me happy, it stresses me out and makes me angry and hurt. And while I'm going to have about $1500 saved up, she will have nothing. So who is going to end up paying the rent? The deposit? For groceries, gas? Everything? Me. It doesn't make any sense. Why would I want to be a single mother to a twenty something, when I'm just a twenty something myself, trying to make it on my own? I can support myself, but I can't support us both.

So I told her I didn't want to move with her and she told me she wasn't upset, and that she understood, and that she was going to try harder to look for a job the next day. The next day came and she was out all day. And I thought, wow, maybe she really is trying to turn things around. She called me at 5:45 in the evening. I knew she had to be at her job (that she gets about 14 hours a week at) at 6:00. Apparently she was sitting in the parkinglot...drunk. She had put in three applications at places around town, and then gone over to a drug addicts house and gotten drunk, then she had driven across town to work. (After already being in a car accident, sober). This was the final straw for me when it came to the moving issue. I decided that I was absolutely not moving with her. She was completely irresponsible and she would do nothing but drag me down. She wouldn't look for a job in Portland, she would just find friends just like the friends she had here, and bring them over to the apartment to drink and do drugs. I don't want that in my life. It's not what I need.

I decided to move in with Austin in Tillamook. He's the most responsible person I've ever met, and I love him very much, and he loves me enough to never put me through anything like this. He's like my rock. And I love him for it.

Last night I got home from Carson and went to bed. At 3 in the morning she came stumbling drunkenly into my room asking me if she could eat my cheese and my tortillas and that she would buy me more tomorrow if she and her friends could. And I asked who was over, and it was three guys and one girl, all druggies. And all drunk. Lord knows who drove them to our apartment. Glad to know people like them are on the roads at night.

I wasn't happy, at all. And I made it pretty clear. She came in an hour later asking if I had any extra blankets for them. She didn't ask if it was alright if four drunk people, that I didn't know, and that she doesn't know that well either, crashed at our apartment. I was not happy at all. I told her this. She shrugged and walked away.

This morning, I wake up to all of them in my bathroom. I brushed my teeth and they all left, leaving Jen and I alone. She didn't say anything for a minute then asked, Do you work today? I said no, she said nothing, spritzed on her perfumed, and they all left. They were gone all day, I had a wonderful day to myself at the apartment, cleaned the kitchen (save for her dishes, which I am not doing, because I think I do enough for her).

Austin was finally able to talk to me at 10:00. We got on skype and at 10:45 I got a text from Jen. She was high on ecstacy, they had taken her keys and her debit card, and she was upset and needed me to bail her out. I drove ten minutes away to go get her, they finally gave her keys and debit card back (lord knows if there's any money left in her account), and she went to her car to make sure it was locked. And her female druggie friend was in the car. Jen tried to explain to her that we were leaving, the druggette was clearly very high, started giving Jen crap for needing to leave, trying to make her feel bad. I made it very clear that I wanted to leave, I was freezing, I was not in the mood for this girl child's nonsense.

We left, and on the way home Jen can't stop talking because she's high, and everything is "woe is me, me, me me...memememememememememe." And I got a "sorry". but no thank yous. Never a thank you from Jen. Never. I didn't say much. I didn't have much to say. When we got home we walked upstairs, I unlocked the door for her, and I walked straight to my room and locked the door.

Tonight I reached a breaking point. She has no regard for anybody but herself. And I'm doing being there for somebody that treats me like shit. I'm cutting her off. I will not help her anymore. If she calls and needs me to bail her out, I'm going to tell her to call somebody else. I am not helping her anymore. If it takes me turning my phone off every night at 10 pm for me to get the resolve to do it, then that's what I'll do. I need to stay strong and really do this. I'm done. I'm completely fed up with her shit. I can't help her anymore.

I'm emotionally exhausted from tonight.
I'm going to bed.

Gettin' hitched.

With the way my family is, and with the way my friends are...with the way people are in general, this is the only place that I can safely talk about this. I'll tell them all eventually, but for now I just need to be alone with my decisions and my husband to be.

Austin and I have been toying around with the idea of getting married by a justice of the peace and having an actual ceremony later on. This isn't an uncommon practice in the military, what with relocations, extra allowances for members with dependents, all that jazz. Getting married before we had originally planned just kind of makes more sense.

I've been really stressed about moving to Portland with my best friend for a number of reasons.

1) She's terrible at managing money. She's always broke because she doesn't like to work, and doesn't try very hard to find a job, and when she has her boyfriends send her money, she doesn't save it or use it on important things. She buys long boards, or she goes out for expensive dinners.

2) She has this habit of befriending the scum of the earth and bringing them over to our apartment. This doesn't worry me so much here because Reno is an evil I know, but Portland isn't, and we won't know anybody, or the area, and I don't want her bringing random drug dealers into my home.

3) If I moved to Portland, Austin would be able to stay with me on his days off, but with traffic, it would be about a two hour commute. And he would have to leave at 4 in the morning on days he worked to get there on time, but he said he doesn't trust the traffic so he probably would just have to leave the night before. So that cuts considerably into the time we could spend together.

So after taking all of this into consideration, I talked to Jen and told her that I don't trust her with money, I know she's not going to have enough money to move when I want to go, I don't want to end up paying for everything, and I don't want to end up taking care of her.

She was surprisingly a lot better about it than I thought she would be. She told me, if I didn't want to move to Portland with her, she wouldn't be mad. She got into that car accident and now owes those people $1400, and she can hardly pay her rent as it is. So there's no way she's going to have any money saved up by August, even if she were to find an awesome full time job. Unless she takes up stripping. But that's a different story.

Anyway, talking to Jen and telling her I didn't want to move with her puts me in my own boat...alone. So I'm now contemplating moving to Portland alone. This is terrifying not only to me, but also to Austin. He told me "I don't feel comfortable with you living in Portland alone...but it's your decision, and I won't make it for you" (isn't he great?). But I agree wholeheartedly. So the entire day we spent looking at apartments in places like Hillsboro and Tigard; suburbs of Portland that are a little closer to Garibaldi, where he's stationed, and cut out A LOT of traffic time.

But then I'm thinking to myself. Well...there were two reasons I was moving to Oregon.
1) To go to school. 2) To be with Austin.

If I were to move to one of these suburbs alone, 1) I can't go to school until I get my residency 2) I wouldn't be with Austin. And I'd be alone. In a small town. Neat.

So I was starting to feel really down about moving. And I told Austin. And he was super bummed because he wants me to move really badly. He's been suggesting that I just move in with him, but this wouldn't really be possible until they let him out of the barracks and gave him BAH. And that doesn't look like it's happening any time soon. He said he could just get a place out of pocket, but I wouldn't want to do that to him either.

I was being sort of vague and coy about the whole thing, and I'm pretty sure it was giving him the impression that I just didn't want to live with him at all. And he was asking, why? Why are you so...gun ho against living with me? And I told him I was afraid that I was rushing into this without my head on straight. And he said he understood that.

After hours of beating around the bush...I just started to get really sad. He told me over and over again, all night, like he always tells me, I just want you to be happy. And I'm thinking to myself...I'm not happy. I want to do what makes me happy. And I closed my eyes and thought about what makes me happy. Being where I am right now doesn't make me happy. I'm around people that can't break out of the highschool/partying/random sex/drinking mentality. I'm working at a job that I absolutely hate so that I can pay for an apartment in a city that I also hate because it's big and dirty. I'm not with the man I love, and only get to have skype dates a few days a week. (Which I'm grateful for! I'm so happy to be able to talk to him at all. I know other branches of the military are way way worse.) And I'm taking care of my best friend because she can't take care of herself, and it stresses me out majorly. All of these things make me super unhappy.

And why am I opposed to living with him? Why am I opposed to moving to Tillamook to be with him? Because I'm afraid to take that leap. I'm afraid to be dependent on him for any length of time. And I might not be able to find a job for a while, and that will make me dependent on him. And that really scares me. And I don't want him to resent me for it, or think I'm trying to live off of him, or think I'm a total shitbag. That's what I'm afraid of. And I don't know why I won't just tell him that.

But anyway. We're talking...and I realize all these things. And I think...what makes me happy, what will make me happy? Because I'm really unhappy with where I am right now. Well, being with Austin would make me happy, living in a new place and starting our home and life together would make me happy, not having to babysit/take care of my best friend would make me happy. And so Austin is saying to me "We should watch tv together" and I say "We should get married" a split second after. And there's a moment of silence. And he says "What?" and I say "...well...we should just get married." And he goes "Baby, I am down to JoP it up whenever you are. I love you."

And then he asks "But why the change of heart? It seemed like you were really down on getting married and living together." and I told him, "No, I always wanted those things. I'm just afraid to make that leap. I'm afraid of too much too soon I guess. What if you don't love me forever?" and he goes "I will. I wake up every single morning with you on my mind, missing you like crazy. All I want is to go to bed holding you and wake up to your face. I will never stop loving you." and then he goes, "I'm so excited that you want to do this! That you're excited about this now."

So...we're going to get married by a justice of the peace when he comes to visit on July 3rd, if we can squeeze it in haha. He's got a lot of people to see while he's here. That's a Saturday and the office is open 9-4 on Saturdays. And I looked it up and all we need to do is fill out an application for a marriage license (which I printed offline and filled out) and take it to the Courthouse and pay $75 for the marriage license, and then get a JoP to say a few words in the presence of 2 witnesses, and then we all sign the document, we pay the JoP like $40, and we're Mr. and Mrs. B.

We're probably crazy. We've known each other for 3 months (officially. I had a HUGE crush on him in high school, and to him I was Phil's cute friend), and we've been together for two and a half. And by the time we actually get married, we'll have been together for 3. But...I've never been so sure about anything in my life. I love him, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me and will be faithful to me for the rest of our lives. I love him so much, and I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him (upon meeting AFTER highschool haha) that he was the one for me. That was it. And I told him two weeks later that I knew he was the man I was going to marry. I even told my mom. And all she said was "Yeah? So he did in two weeks what Leo couldn't do in a year, huh?" because any time the M word would get mentioned with Leo I would immediately back away and tell him to just enjoy the time we had together. I would basically run screaming, pulling out my own hair.

But I drove through Garibaldi and had lunch with Austin and the moment he walked into the coffee shop I thought, that's going to be my husband someday. I've always loved him.

I know this is super sappy and stuff but...screw it, it's my blog, and these are my beans, and I'm getting freaking married! I'm excited, and in love.

Two months from now I'll be married, living with my husband.

My mom is getting re-married on August 14th. So I'm going to stay in Nevada until after that. I'm probably going to move the last week of August still. I need to sell my car still, and save up some money. I want to have at least $1500 squirreled away. Basically just money to pay my phone bill, because the government will pay our rent and give us $320 a month for food. And then he'll have like $1400 in basic pay to just spend on whatever. (and by spend on whatever, I mean for us to SAVE.) He's not the...greatest with money. It's not that he's stupid about money, it's just that he likes to spend money, and he's very generous. Which is a good thing, we just have to be smart about it. Honestly, the military is an awesome way to save money. I mean they give you free rent and money for food every month. So especially if you don't have kids, you get to save like, all your money pretty much.

I'm also going to make him get a credit card. 21 years old and the man doesn't have a credit card. Really? How in the world are we ever going to be able to do anything if we don't have credit? Well, I do. I have good credit. But he has...no credit...and that's sketch as fuck. If I do say so myself. I'll probably be in charge of financial matters. I'm really good with money, and I'm really financially smart. I want to start putting money into our retirement fund! It's crazy...he retires in like 20 years. We're still going to be so young.

Anyway...I kinda got off track here. Like, way off track. but it's my blog and these are my beans!

So we're moving to Tillamook. Which is about 20 minutes away from his station, and where most of his coast guard buddies live. And I'm going to just live and (hopefully) work for about a year to get my residency. And then I'm going to get my associates from Tillamook Community College (I only have about a semester more to go, depending on how many of my credits actually transfer...so probably 2 semesters, darn). Then hopefully he'll find out where his A-School is going to be by then so I can figure out where I'm going to transfer to get my bachelor's degree. I probably won't be done with school for about four or five more years. I'm going to get my teaching license so I can teach high school English. I'm really excited about it!

He wants to start having kids like a year after we get married (because he's insane and apparently likes sleep deprivation and not having sex) but I want to wait until after I get my teaching license. Because I want to stay home with the kids, and then I'd never get to go back to school. This way, I can get my license, maybe work for a year, get my feet wet. Then stay home with my kids, and then after they start school I can start working again. Rather than having to just go back to school (again) and then go to work. I want to start working and saving towards our future too.

I'm so excited to start our life together.
As soon as I move up he's buying me a St. Bernard that we're naming Bostwick.
And I'm going to plant a garden. :)
He said he'd build me a picket fence.

I can't find a single house for rent in Tillamook online though! It's ridiculous. He's just going to have to find us a place I suppose. Or maybe I'll fly up at the end of July and stay for one of his three day weekends and we can look then.

Alright. Longest post ever. I'm off to bed.

Frustrated with work. Per the usual.

Just got home from a work meeting.

Basically got told by three people how much I suck and need to be better. Which is funny. Because I'm honestly the only one that does things by the book.

Nothing was personally directed at me, it was all in the "We all need to..." context. Of course.

But what bothers me is I AM DOING THESE THINGS.

"We all need to be more reliable." Nikki says.

Okay Nikki, funny, because when Cristine went to jail last week, I totally covered her shift. When Cristine got "food poisoning" two days ago (and came to work today with a sunburn...hmm...) I covered her shift. Cristine harps on me for one day that I didn't stay when she needed me to, and that was because I didn't have my car that day. And she chooses today to tell me, well one of us could have given you a ride. Okay...nobody told me that. I didn't think I was going to have a way home. I don't know what you want me to tell you. Sucks. I covered your ghetto ass when you were rotting in jail and in the "hospital" for food poisoning. Not to mention the fact that I have never called in sick. Not once. I've been late once, and I called beforehand to let them know I'd be half an hour late, for a legitimate reason.

It's just fucking obnoxious. I try to give a shit, I try to make the store a better place, a cleaner place. But whenever I tried to correct bad behavior or anything like that, they'd undermine me, so the employees don't have any respect for any of us. The schedule is never done on time, and when it is posted it's changed nearly every day. So nobody ever knows when they're supposed to be working. Cristine and Nikki are constantly trying to get shifts covered and leaving early, and so the team members think they can do the same things too...the store is a mess and it's falling apart and the fact that Nikki accidentally cancelled our last order doesn't help, because now we're running out of all our products. Yay. So basically, I'm working in a hell hole right now.

I keep telling myself, just two more months. Just two more months of this. I just need to make it through two more months. That's all. Then I'm moving to Portland, where I can hopefully find a better job, or a more bearable job. Honestly, at this point, anything would be better than this. They make me feel like shit every day I go in, they make me want to quit and live in poverty. I see every day I get through as an accomplishment and a little marker towards saving enough money to move.

I'm going to tell Nikki that I'm moving at the end of this month, and that means my hours are going to be raped for the rest of the time I'm there, but I'm fine with that. I don't need to work a lot (though I'd like to to save money), I just need to work at least 20 hours a week. I would gladly just be demoted to a team member even, and just do the work I'm supposed to do for the shift, and not worry about it any more than that.

Today is June 14th. Only 16 more days in this month. And then there's July. And then two weeks in August. So exactly two more months. I can do this. I just need to get by, and then I can get out. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

I knew there was a reason I smoked pot in high school.
But it's not right to have to lean on something to get you through. You have to strip down to just you, and go at your problem with what you've got. Which is just you. That's all you have. You.

All I've got is me. I just need to do the best job I can, and if they still have things to complain about, then I guess I just don't have what it takes to work there. And they need to find somebody else.

Austin called earlier, but I missed it. I called him back and he said he was getting a sign off. So that's good news. That means he'll only have 7 more.

Maybe I'll move at the beginning of August. But I do want to have a lot of money saved up, and I still need to sell my car. I could stop working at the beginning of August and just move whenever I've sold my car. I don't know...I need to stop trying to take short cuts and just stick to my original plan.

I'm going to look at apartments in Portland right now. Try to figure some shit out. I have Thursday and Friday off. I think I'm going to wash my car and take pictures and post ads on like, Craigslist and stuff, maybe try to find somebody a little sooner. Or just start trying to find somebody, because I'm afraid I won't be able to find anybody.

Best Sunday Ever.

Today has been such a good day.

I woke up around 11:30, which was lovely, seeing as that I'm used to waking up at 7 for work. This is the first Sunday I haven't had to work in months. I got up and made waffles for Jen and I, and then we both took showers and lazed around a bit. Then we finally got up and went to the store to get ingredients for dinner tonight. I'm going to make spaghetti and I'm going to make Leo's special sauce.

So then we're at Walmart and Jen goes, "Wanna go longboarding after this?" And I'm like "Uhm, yeah, of course." So we got in the car, and I'm drinking like two gallons of cranberry juice, and enjoying the breeze blowing through my hair, and the sunshine, glad that it's finally summer. But then Robert calls. He's Jen's boyfriend in Washington. They started dating a couple months before she moved down here, and it's been nothing but an emotional roller coaster for both of them. They fight nearly every day, they don't trust each other at all. Jen had told me over waffles this morning, "Rob and I got in a fight last night." "About what?" I asked with my mouth stuffed because I was inexplicably starving this morning. "I don't know..." She always starts out this way. She wants me to gently poke and prod to test whether or not I really care. She finally admitted, "He's been flirting with this girl and he doesn't see what's wrong with that, and he says flirting is fine, but not when I do it because then he freaks out, and ugh! I'm so frustrated." The conversation last night apparently did not end well, because she pulled over to let me drive to the park so that she could give her full attention to the impending argument at hand.

Needless to say there was much yelling, and it kinda killed my Sunday buzz a little, but then she got off the phone. Or rather, hung up the phone, and we parked and long boarded for a bit. But it was so hot today! And by this time it'd been about four hours since I'd eaten anything, so we went home and we made sandwiches.

Amidst sandwich eating I realized that I had a head of lettuce that was about to go bad, so I thought, well hey I bet the guinea pigs would love this. And I texted Leo asking if he'd like me to bring it over for them. He replied with "sure". See, I can't quite figure out whether he knows about my engagement or not. He's sort of hot and cold with me. I've decided that he's still hurt over our break up and just can't quite figure out how to behave around me. And I understand that; I've been in that boat before. It sucks. It's a shitty boat to be in. All broken sails and dirty decks and the like. So I'm like, "Okay well Jen and I are going to go to the pool, so we'll bring it over on our way." And he's like "Lol me and stephen are going to the pool too!" Okay...so we've got one short, spiky text, and then I get an Lol? He's all over the place.

And then Jen and I go over there with the lettuce and he's totally cold towards me. Very strange.

We go to the pool and Jen and I just laid out for a while. (I'm attempting to get somewhat of a tan before Austin comes to visit in July. As well as attempting to lose those ten pounds that I've been trying to lose since before coming out of the womb pretty much. We'll see about that one.) Then Leo and his friends come into the pool area too and sit right next to us...

At this point Austin and I are arguing via text message, because I told him I went to Leo's to see the pigs. And he goes...oh...cool. And I'm like, I just wanted to drop off some food. And he's like, dropping off food for your ex boyfriend...cool. And I'm like, no, for the pigs! And then he's like, grumble grumble grumble. And I'm like, cool your jets cowboy!

But in reality he's saying, "I just worry, your ex boyfriend is there, and I'm not. And you told me last night that you still think about him sometimes and care about him, and then today you go over to his house out of the blue to see your pigs. I think my concerns are valid." And I told him, "I agree, I understand where you're coming from." And then I kinda laid out my perspective on the situation, and we came to a good conclusion. He just wanted to be sure that I don't have romantic feelings for him anymore, and I don't, so problem solved. I know he'll continue to worry about it from time to time though. I need to work on being more reassuring.

But anyway, twas a good day. It was relaxing and I got physical activity, and I got a little color. And in about an hour, I'm going to make awesome spaghetti! Best day ever.

Second entry? Hmm...

He just called me on his dinner break. We talked for about half an hour. Everything is fine now, I'm feeling a lot better, and hearing me sound upbeat made him really happy, so we had a nice conversation. He said he'd be able to call me tonight when he got off. He has over night comms :( boo. He hates comms. He only has 8 more sign offs until he's boat crew qualified! He thought it would take him until the end of July, but he's burning through his sign offs so quickly, I'm so proud of him. He's gotten qualified in everything faster than like...anybody. He broke a record for getting Helo Ops qualified. He's just so smart and picks up on things so quickly. I'm just so proud of him. :) He's amazing.

I told him I was sorry that I've been so moody, I honestly think it's the new birth control. I just started it a month ago and my body is still getting used to the hormones. My moods have been a little erratic this month. And he said he was sorry, that he shouldn't have freaked out, he should know better than to think that I would leave him. He said he was just so scared...and I understand. If the tables were turned, I'd feel the same way. So we're doing good now, and I'm glad. I miss him a lot, I actually have Sunday, most of Monday and Tuesday off, so tomorrow I'm just going to ...not know what to do with myself, and Monday and Tuesday we'll get to talk all day because he has those days off too! :D Yay. Tomorrow I think I'll go through my mountains of clothing and decide what to donate and what to keep.

Boop.
I miss my bear :(


This is kinda sorta my boyfriend blog. And my I hate work blog. And I'm a weirdo blog. All in one!

Unpleasantries.

Have I ever told you...how much I hate working alone in the mornings? The Jamba Corporation is going bankrupt and they're cutting corners wherever they can, they recently put security cameras in so that we can open alone, and openers are left alone for three hours. From 6:30 am to 9:30 am. It's super awesome. Especially on Saturdays, when everybody and their brother wakes up at 8 am craving Jamba. And little old me is all alone to make all of their smoothies.

I get a lot of sympathy tips, at least there's that.


DF and I had our first unpleasant talk last night.
It was...unpleasant.

I've been feeling really down about the long distance the last couple days. I'm usually really good at having a handle on it, but last night it was just not happening. And I've been having a hard time dealing with all the dismayed reactions to our engagement. I really let what other people think get to me, it's a weakness of mine. I try not to, I try to brush it off, but everybody else's opinion makes me start thinking way too much, overanalyzing everything. So I was just really insecure last night and when I'm insecure, he gets really scared that I'm going to break up with him. And then he worries himself to death over it. And I feel so bad because he's working this weekend, so he probably didn't get much sleep last night and feels horrible today. He texted me this morning while I was at work, and work was hectic so I was really slow getting back to him and he asked if I was doing better, and I told him I just need some alone time to figure out my feelings and mellow out. And I told him I was going to turn my phone off so that I could just be alone, but that I loved him very much and would talk to him soon. I turned my phone back on a few hours later to 6 texts from him, one just saying I love you, a few more just saying he understands if I need some space to figure stuff out, he knows the distance is really hard on me, that I'm perfect for him and he just wants to be as perfect for me and he doesn't have one doubt in his mind about marrying me and it doesn't scare him one little bit, he understands that we moved really fast and maybe I burned myself out? Then a little later a text saying if my feelings for him have changed I need to let him know, then he tried calling, I'm assuming he was on his lunch break, but I didn't pick up because I wasn't near my phone at the time. And he sent a text saying, baby what is going on, are you going to be okay? And I told him, I'm fine, really, I just need to do some thinking is all. And he said he just hoped my feelings for him didn't change and that I didn't regret getting engaged. And I told him, of course not, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I'm just feeling really sad right now and I don't want to drag you down with me, so I just want some time to myself. Which he claims to understand but then...he keeps texting me... I know he's just worried. I understand that. I'd be worried too if he were doing what I'm doing.

He'll call me on his dinner and we'll talk a little bit, and then I know he'll call me when he's off work at the station. Technically he's not supposed to, but he always does so he can hear about my day a little bit and say goodnight. He's just realllll quiet. haha


I just told my aunt chris about the engagement and she was just like, Congratulations! I just want you to be happy. So nice to hear. My mom was the same way; she just asked, are you certain he's the one? And I told her 'without a doubt'. So she was really happy for me. And my sister is convinced that we're soul mates.

It's really only the people that aren't close to me that make comments like, didn't you just break up with exbf 2 months ago? Isn't it a little soon? He doesn't even live here. You don't really know him. All that stuff. People who don't talk to me, don't really know me at all. And why should I care what they think, when all the people that really matter to me are happy for me, and supportive? I shouldn't. I know that. I shouldn't let them plant seeds of doubt in my mind.

I'm feeling much more positive today. I want to let him know that.
I just sent him a text.
I think it'll make him happy.
He has a batch of letters coming in the mail too, but he probably won't get those until Monday. He's sending me his letters and a sweatshirt with his name on it on Monday as well. I get to see him in 3 weeks, and that's when I'm going to meet his parents also. So I'm excited, and it'll be a good visit. I just need to get rid of all those negative thoughts that other people are putting in my head and be positive and happy.

This isn't about marriage, or weddings, or other people. This is about me and Austin. We just need to focus on us. And leave the wedding for later.

New job?

I worked an eight hour shift this morning and then had the rest of the day to just kinda tinker around with Jen. We went to the post office and the bank, then the mall so she could buy a long board and I bought some pants, because it's physically impossible for me to go to a mall and not buy pants. I've got a weird pants...thing.

So we went to see her Mom at the salon she works at in the mall and she had an application for Jen for some new clothing store that's going in, and she had an extra and asked if I wanted to fill it out, and I'm only getting about 25 to 30 hours a week at Jamba, so I was like, sure why not? I've worked at a clothing store before, it'll be a blast from the past, maybe I can pick up like 15 hours, whenever I'm not working at Jamba. So we went to turn in our applications and he was like...interviewing us, and he hired me on the spot and told Jen he'd let her know. But the thing is...he was asking me like, who are you loyal to? Us or Jamba? And I was like ...well Jamba, I've been with them for two years, c'mon now. And he's making it seem like he wouldn't work around my schedule, and I had to like have my days completely open and stuff. So I was kinda quiet, just taking it in, nodding a lot because he was like, Vietnamese and SUPER hard to understand. He couldn't pronounce my name...at all. So he was like, okay well you can start Monday, I'll email you the schedule. And I was like, okay... and he said he'd schedule me Monday through Thursday and leave the weekend for my other job. And I was like ...okay........

So I'm thinking when he emails me I'm just going to email him back and be like, it doesn't look like the two jobs are going to mesh very well...sorry, I can't accept the offer. And I'd be making $1.25 less at this job. So why would I give up shifts at Jamba to work there...for less? That just doesn't make any sense. Besides, after this month all my paychecks are going into savings, and I have a lot of people to see before I go, I don't want to spend my last summer in Nevada working 50 hours a week. That'd be sad. I want to enjoy time with my family and friends.

DF is going to fly down the day I'm moving to help me, and then drive back up with me. Jen doesn't seem stoked on it, because then she'll have to drive her car up alone, and DF and I will drive the trailer up. And I'm going to get this big huge guilt trip, I can already feel it.


Another thing that's been on my mind...I wish people could just be happy for me when they find out that DF and I are engaged. But all I ever get is skepticism. And that just seems incredibly rude to me. For someone to immediately just be like "Haven't you guys only been together for two months?" Yeah, I'll admit, it's super unorthodox. I will give you that. We aren't following the proper timeline. And I'm not going to be that rebellious twenty something that just thrives off the drama of her risque whirlwind engagement. I understand the skepticism, I do. And when it's coming from my parents, or his parents, or our close friends, I take heed. I understand where they're coming from. We have only been together for a short time. I completely acknowledge what it looks like.

The thing is though, all of my close friends are extremely supportive of us. My mom, my sister, and my sister in law are all incredibly happy for me. These are the people that are close to me, that care about me, that just want me to be happy. These are the people that know that I am a well grounded person, I know what I want in life, I know who I am and who I want to be, I know who I want to be with. And they all know that he is a wonderful person.

I'm nervous about telling his parents. They actually haven't met me yet, so we're waiting until after they do. They're pretty old fashioned, so I'm afraid they're going to frown upon the unorthodox way we came to be. He talks about me all the time to them, so they're really excited to meet me. But I don't think they know ...the depth of our relationship already.

I want more than anything for their blessing, and for my brother's blessing. And even though we're going to wait a year or two to actually tie the knot, if they'd prefer we wait longer, we will. They're going to be my family too, so I want them to love me. We just need to prove that we're not taking this decision lightly, that we're being mature about this, that we have everything planned out. I know that I personally need to prove to them that I intend to go places and be somebody, rather than just being a total shitbag and doing nothing with my life; being completely unmotivated and dragging their son down with me. I know that in the long run, all they want is for DF to be happy. And they will see how happy I make him, and over time, they will be happy for us. It's just going to be a shock at first.

Longest blog ever. I had a lot on my mind.

For him, I think the day after I left was the worst day. He was really really bummed out and had a lot of time to think about me. For me, it wasn't so bad because I had a pretty full day and I was keeping pretty busy. But as I slip back into my routine, and the further away I get from this weekend, the more bummed out I get, and the more I miss him. He seems to be doing better already, and for that I'm glad because him being sad rips me to pieces.

I'm doing the best I can to just keep busy and be productive. Channeling all of my sad, missing him energy into doing things I've been meaning to get done.

Finally doing the mountains of laundry I've been slowly chipping away at but never quite getting done. I'm doing it all tonight pretty much, and I work all day tomorrow, so Thursday I intend to sort through it all and make a keep pile, a throw away pile, and a donate pile. I'm going to be donating a loooot of clothes pretty soon. Which is going to be a load off my chest. I need to start sorting all my stuff, getting rid of a lot of stuff. I don't want to take that much stuff to Portland with me. Just my books and like, a quarter of the clothes I have now, and my printer and keyboard...I think I'm going to sell my tv and my guitar. I'll ask DF if he wants my guitar actually. I know he piddles around with the guitar occasionally and I don't think he has one. Ooh, just picturing him playing guitar sends me all ashiver. haha. WHAT A CREEP I AM.

Oh I need to take my dishes and pots and pans with me to Portland too. I'm going to donate a lot of my shoes as well. I don't wear half of them. I only wear like three pairs of shoes actually. I need to get a new pair of sneakers. I destroyed a pair in Oregon, climbing that mountain haha. They're in the back of DF's truck, rotting away. Actually, I'm sure he's thrown them away by now haha.


It feels good to be getting stuff done. Set in order. Saving money to move.

That check I got for 650 a while back, half of it went to paying off my credit card, and the other half went to helping Jen dig her way out of her hole. So I'm finding it difficult to save money for the move, which makes me just a tad nervous. I only have like ...$100 saved. And, granted, I'm going to sell my car, but...that makes me nervous too. Because it's not exactly a seller's market for...well, anything right now. Poor Rosie. I love her so. I wish I could take her with me, but it's insanely impractical to own a car in Portland. That's insurance, parking, gas I'd have to be paying when I could easily walk to work or take the bus. Not to mention Rosie always has SOME issue with her that costs me like $300 to get fixed haha. She makes it hard to save money. I mean, at least I'm not in debt like most kids my age. And I do have money in savings. That's an accomplishment right there. I just don't want to move unless I have AT LEAST a month's rent saved up. Just in case. I'm nervous I won't be able to find a job. I know DF would help me if I needed him to, but I'd never ask. I hate asking for help. I want to do it on my own. I want to be independent. I want to know that I can support myself, that I can live in the world all on my own, before I take the step of sharing my life with someone else.

The good news is, next month is the last month of rent that I have to pay. And my next pay check will take care of that. So any paychecks I get after that just go towards like...food and gas and my phone bill/car insurance. And the rest I can just put straight into my savings.

I just hope Jen finds a job soon...she's not looking very hard. And I can't support us both forever. I love her to death and I'd go to the poor house for her, but what good will it do if we're both broke as hell? I need her to save up to move too... it makes me nervous. Nervous that I'll have like, a couple months of rent saved up, and she'll have nothing, and I'll burn through it all because she has no money.

If she can't find a job here, how will she find one there? Portland is in the top five unemployed cities in the nation. You have to REALLY, REALLY look for a job. Which is why, even though I'm going to try to transfer to a jamba up there, I know it may not happen, and I want to have plenty of money saved just in case. Money for rent and food and utilities and my phone bill. So I want to have at least like...$1200 saved. At least. Which should be attainable what with me selling good ole Rosie. We shall see. I'm stressing too much maybe. But at least I'm thinking about it.

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. So I'm planning the hell out of this.

Portland.

This weekend went by so quickly. It slipped through my fingers before I even knew what was happening.

It was amazing though. I'm so so happy I got to see db...but wait, there's more.

We stayed right on the beach, and when we woke up Saturday morning we decided to hike up a hill...which actually turned into us CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN. (Maybe an exaggeration, but I have a terrible fear of heights, so I can't believe I actually agreed to it.)
He brought his camcorder and we recorded our walk to the hill, and after much pushing and prodding me up the mountain because I kept locking up and getting scared, we filmed the view from the top. So we're standing there, looking at this bald eagle in a tree right next to us and looking out over miles and miles of ocean in a spot I'm pretty sure no people have ever been, and then he gets down on one knee and he proposed! It was like a movie (never mind the fact that I was dirty and sweaty and gross haha), but it really was so romantic. It was just for us, not in front of a bunch of random strangers that would pretend to care, and that's just the way I wanted it.

So now dear boyfriend is dear fiance and will hearby be referred to as DF.
He's so amazing. I just wonder how in the world I got so lucky.
I have nothing to complain about at all.

dear boyfriend.

okay.
something must be done about this.


i'm trying desperately to stay busy. but i'm day dreaming all the time and not getting anything done.

even when i'm not thinking about doing the deed i'm thinking about him in some capacity. it's sick. SICK. i'm all obsessive and love crazed. this is not me. this is not something i do. i mean...it has been to some extent. i'll get all infatuated nstuff. but i've never not been able to focus on anything else. and i sincerely cannot focus on anything else. i think about taking a nap with him, i think about eating with him, i think about watching tv with him, i think about doing a crossword puzzle with him, i think about kissing him, i think about walking on the beach with him.

GAH.


this is torture. it really is.
i can't sleep because i can't stop thinking about him.
and i don't want to tell him that.
because then he'd be all like ...weird.



i feel like pacing.
i legitimately don't know how i'm going to get through the next two days.
maybe not talking will help.
he has to work, thus, won't be able to talk to me until Friday pretty much.
maybe it'll help.
or make it worse.


it's probably a good thing we don't live together. i'd be glued to his side all the time. and then i'd get all clingy and panicky when he had to go to work. and that's never good.
i don't wanna show him my clingy side!
it'll pass...it'll pass.
it'll settle down, even out.
just right now he's everything to me. every thought, every motivation.


like i said. SICK. sickeningly sweet. and a little obsessive.



i am going to do my very best to just think about like...baseball. and things i have to do. like laundry. and going to the bank. and all that fun stuff. that's what i'm going to do. and i'm going to drift off into a pleasant slumber.


where i'll most likely dream about him. again. i swear, it's constant with me.

2 and a half days!!!

i got some sleep today so i'm in a better mood.
i'm really glad. i'm having an actual conversation with db tonight. i miss him so much. skype really does help and i'm thankful we're able to talk at all. yesterday was just a bad day.

i haven't written any poetry in a while.
it's kinda...depressing. but i know it'll come when it's meant to come. i have months of prolific writing and then nothing. that's how it always works.






my computer keeps overheating. it's really obnoxious. i need to buy like a can of compressed air or something. this just will not do!!

distance.

well, i'm going to see db in exactly three days and thirteen hours.
i'm excited about it, really. i think about it all the time, and it's making the hours and days drag by.

but right now i'm just in kind of a really bummed out mood. because of a lot of things. namely work...just constantly being made to feel like i suck and everybody is better than me. constantly worrying that i'll be replaced. i hate it. it's just...bumming me out. at least i don't have to work tomorrow night. i'm getting it out of the way in the morning. and then i'll be able to talk to db all day.

i feel bad...we got off skype tonight and i was in a bummed mood. and he starts to get really insecure when i do that. when i'm sad and he can't cheer me up, or if he makes reference to the relationship and i'm not super excited about it, he'll be afraid i'm having doubts or that i'm going to leave him. he doesn't believe that i'll never leave him.
things like that just take time i guess. i understand his insecurity. he's there and i'm here. what's keeping me around? i get that. i guess it's easier for me because there aren't many girls there; not much competition. and he works so much that he doesn't really have time to go out girl hunting. i try to remember how hard it must be for him and i try to be reassuring.

i guess tonight i just didn't have the energy. i hope he doesn't worry about it all night. i hope tomorrow he doesn't tell me he slept horribly because he was thinking about it. i hope he's tired enough that he'll just pass out from exhaustion and wake up tomorrow not even remembering how i was tonight.

sometimes i'm afraid that he won't be able to handle me. he knows who i am and he's seen most every side of me, but with what depth? to what extent can he handle who i really am? i feel that one day he will leave me.
so i'm trying to make the most of the days i have with him.

i don't want to talk about this anymore, it hurts my chest.




I'm getting a new phone tomorrow hopefully.
After work.
There's a verizon store right across the street from my work. Convenient.



i won't lie...it is hard being away from him.
scratch that.
really really really ultra mega hard.
like...one of the hardest things i've ever done.
because i just want to be around him all the time. i want to spend time with him. and not the kind of time we spend together on skype. because while that's nice, it's also a little draining because we always have to be talking and alert and stuff. i just want to lie with him and watch the stars and not talk, i want to take a nap with him, i want to go on a walk and not have to say anything.

i want our quiet time. it's impossible so far away. i want touch. i want to feel his hand in mine. im literally aching for physical contact. it's so hard.

sometimes i want to skip over portland entirely and just live with him. but then...what about me? what would i do? i need to go to school, i need to have a job, i need to have my own life. i can't just share his. neither of us would be happy that way.


this will all be easier after i move, i keep telling myself. once i move i'll see him a couple times a week. we can do things together and make memories and enjoy each other's company. i can wake up next to him, make breakfast for him, fight with him and then have make up sex. all the things we can't do now.

it's just so hard right now.
and i dont tell him that because then he'll assume i'm having doubts.
and i'm not. i have no doubts about being with him.
it's just this time, these three months, that have to be spent apart, are killing me.
he makes me so happy but...i just get really lonely i guess.



it's just like being single i guess. i mean, this is how it would be if we broke up, but worse. because its not like i'd be able to find anybody like him again; i don't want to be with anybody else. i just want to be with him. and i wish it were possible right now.
there's nothing he or anybody else can do about it though, so i just keep it to myself. what's the point in airing problems that can't be fixed?