He just called me on his dinner break. We talked for about half an hour. Everything is fine now, I'm feeling a lot better, and hearing me sound upbeat made him really happy, so we had a nice conversation. He said he'd be able to call me tonight when he got off. He has over night comms :( boo. He hates comms. He only has 8 more sign offs until he's boat crew qualified! He thought it would take him until the end of July, but he's burning through his sign offs so quickly, I'm so proud of him. He's gotten qualified in everything faster than like...anybody. He broke a record for getting Helo Ops qualified. He's just so smart and picks up on things so quickly. I'm just so proud of him. :) He's amazing.
I told him I was sorry that I've been so moody, I honestly think it's the new birth control. I just started it a month ago and my body is still getting used to the hormones. My moods have been a little erratic this month. And he said he was sorry, that he shouldn't have freaked out, he should know better than to think that I would leave him. He said he was just so scared...and I understand. If the tables were turned, I'd feel the same way. So we're doing good now, and I'm glad. I miss him a lot, I actually have Sunday, most of Monday and Tuesday off, so tomorrow I'm just going to ...not know what to do with myself, and Monday and Tuesday we'll get to talk all day because he has those days off too! :D Yay. Tomorrow I think I'll go through my mountains of clothing and decide what to donate and what to keep.
Boop.
I miss my bear :(
This is kinda sorta my boyfriend blog. And my I hate work blog. And I'm a weirdo blog. All in one!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Unpleasantries.
Have I ever told you...how much I hate working alone in the mornings? The Jamba Corporation is going bankrupt and they're cutting corners wherever they can, they recently put security cameras in so that we can open alone, and openers are left alone for three hours. From 6:30 am to 9:30 am. It's super awesome. Especially on Saturdays, when everybody and their brother wakes up at 8 am craving Jamba. And little old me is all alone to make all of their smoothies.
I get a lot of sympathy tips, at least there's that.
DF and I had our first unpleasant talk last night.
It was...unpleasant.
I've been feeling really down about the long distance the last couple days. I'm usually really good at having a handle on it, but last night it was just not happening. And I've been having a hard time dealing with all the dismayed reactions to our engagement. I really let what other people think get to me, it's a weakness of mine. I try not to, I try to brush it off, but everybody else's opinion makes me start thinking way too much, overanalyzing everything. So I was just really insecure last night and when I'm insecure, he gets really scared that I'm going to break up with him. And then he worries himself to death over it. And I feel so bad because he's working this weekend, so he probably didn't get much sleep last night and feels horrible today. He texted me this morning while I was at work, and work was hectic so I was really slow getting back to him and he asked if I was doing better, and I told him I just need some alone time to figure out my feelings and mellow out. And I told him I was going to turn my phone off so that I could just be alone, but that I loved him very much and would talk to him soon. I turned my phone back on a few hours later to 6 texts from him, one just saying I love you, a few more just saying he understands if I need some space to figure stuff out, he knows the distance is really hard on me, that I'm perfect for him and he just wants to be as perfect for me and he doesn't have one doubt in his mind about marrying me and it doesn't scare him one little bit, he understands that we moved really fast and maybe I burned myself out? Then a little later a text saying if my feelings for him have changed I need to let him know, then he tried calling, I'm assuming he was on his lunch break, but I didn't pick up because I wasn't near my phone at the time. And he sent a text saying, baby what is going on, are you going to be okay? And I told him, I'm fine, really, I just need to do some thinking is all. And he said he just hoped my feelings for him didn't change and that I didn't regret getting engaged. And I told him, of course not, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I'm just feeling really sad right now and I don't want to drag you down with me, so I just want some time to myself. Which he claims to understand but then...he keeps texting me... I know he's just worried. I understand that. I'd be worried too if he were doing what I'm doing.
He'll call me on his dinner and we'll talk a little bit, and then I know he'll call me when he's off work at the station. Technically he's not supposed to, but he always does so he can hear about my day a little bit and say goodnight. He's just realllll quiet. haha
I just told my aunt chris about the engagement and she was just like, Congratulations! I just want you to be happy. So nice to hear. My mom was the same way; she just asked, are you certain he's the one? And I told her 'without a doubt'. So she was really happy for me. And my sister is convinced that we're soul mates.
It's really only the people that aren't close to me that make comments like, didn't you just break up with exbf 2 months ago? Isn't it a little soon? He doesn't even live here. You don't really know him. All that stuff. People who don't talk to me, don't really know me at all. And why should I care what they think, when all the people that really matter to me are happy for me, and supportive? I shouldn't. I know that. I shouldn't let them plant seeds of doubt in my mind.
I'm feeling much more positive today. I want to let him know that.
I just sent him a text.
I think it'll make him happy.
He has a batch of letters coming in the mail too, but he probably won't get those until Monday. He's sending me his letters and a sweatshirt with his name on it on Monday as well. I get to see him in 3 weeks, and that's when I'm going to meet his parents also. So I'm excited, and it'll be a good visit. I just need to get rid of all those negative thoughts that other people are putting in my head and be positive and happy.
This isn't about marriage, or weddings, or other people. This is about me and Austin. We just need to focus on us. And leave the wedding for later.
I get a lot of sympathy tips, at least there's that.
DF and I had our first unpleasant talk last night.
It was...unpleasant.
I've been feeling really down about the long distance the last couple days. I'm usually really good at having a handle on it, but last night it was just not happening. And I've been having a hard time dealing with all the dismayed reactions to our engagement. I really let what other people think get to me, it's a weakness of mine. I try not to, I try to brush it off, but everybody else's opinion makes me start thinking way too much, overanalyzing everything. So I was just really insecure last night and when I'm insecure, he gets really scared that I'm going to break up with him. And then he worries himself to death over it. And I feel so bad because he's working this weekend, so he probably didn't get much sleep last night and feels horrible today. He texted me this morning while I was at work, and work was hectic so I was really slow getting back to him and he asked if I was doing better, and I told him I just need some alone time to figure out my feelings and mellow out. And I told him I was going to turn my phone off so that I could just be alone, but that I loved him very much and would talk to him soon. I turned my phone back on a few hours later to 6 texts from him, one just saying I love you, a few more just saying he understands if I need some space to figure stuff out, he knows the distance is really hard on me, that I'm perfect for him and he just wants to be as perfect for me and he doesn't have one doubt in his mind about marrying me and it doesn't scare him one little bit, he understands that we moved really fast and maybe I burned myself out? Then a little later a text saying if my feelings for him have changed I need to let him know, then he tried calling, I'm assuming he was on his lunch break, but I didn't pick up because I wasn't near my phone at the time. And he sent a text saying, baby what is going on, are you going to be okay? And I told him, I'm fine, really, I just need to do some thinking is all. And he said he just hoped my feelings for him didn't change and that I didn't regret getting engaged. And I told him, of course not, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I'm just feeling really sad right now and I don't want to drag you down with me, so I just want some time to myself. Which he claims to understand but then...he keeps texting me... I know he's just worried. I understand that. I'd be worried too if he were doing what I'm doing.
He'll call me on his dinner and we'll talk a little bit, and then I know he'll call me when he's off work at the station. Technically he's not supposed to, but he always does so he can hear about my day a little bit and say goodnight. He's just realllll quiet. haha
I just told my aunt chris about the engagement and she was just like, Congratulations! I just want you to be happy. So nice to hear. My mom was the same way; she just asked, are you certain he's the one? And I told her 'without a doubt'. So she was really happy for me. And my sister is convinced that we're soul mates.
It's really only the people that aren't close to me that make comments like, didn't you just break up with exbf 2 months ago? Isn't it a little soon? He doesn't even live here. You don't really know him. All that stuff. People who don't talk to me, don't really know me at all. And why should I care what they think, when all the people that really matter to me are happy for me, and supportive? I shouldn't. I know that. I shouldn't let them plant seeds of doubt in my mind.
I'm feeling much more positive today. I want to let him know that.
I just sent him a text.
I think it'll make him happy.
He has a batch of letters coming in the mail too, but he probably won't get those until Monday. He's sending me his letters and a sweatshirt with his name on it on Monday as well. I get to see him in 3 weeks, and that's when I'm going to meet his parents also. So I'm excited, and it'll be a good visit. I just need to get rid of all those negative thoughts that other people are putting in my head and be positive and happy.
This isn't about marriage, or weddings, or other people. This is about me and Austin. We just need to focus on us. And leave the wedding for later.
Friday, June 11, 2010
New job?
I worked an eight hour shift this morning and then had the rest of the day to just kinda tinker around with Jen. We went to the post office and the bank, then the mall so she could buy a long board and I bought some pants, because it's physically impossible for me to go to a mall and not buy pants. I've got a weird pants...thing.
So we went to see her Mom at the salon she works at in the mall and she had an application for Jen for some new clothing store that's going in, and she had an extra and asked if I wanted to fill it out, and I'm only getting about 25 to 30 hours a week at Jamba, so I was like, sure why not? I've worked at a clothing store before, it'll be a blast from the past, maybe I can pick up like 15 hours, whenever I'm not working at Jamba. So we went to turn in our applications and he was like...interviewing us, and he hired me on the spot and told Jen he'd let her know. But the thing is...he was asking me like, who are you loyal to? Us or Jamba? And I was like ...well Jamba, I've been with them for two years, c'mon now. And he's making it seem like he wouldn't work around my schedule, and I had to like have my days completely open and stuff. So I was kinda quiet, just taking it in, nodding a lot because he was like, Vietnamese and SUPER hard to understand. He couldn't pronounce my name...at all. So he was like, okay well you can start Monday, I'll email you the schedule. And I was like, okay... and he said he'd schedule me Monday through Thursday and leave the weekend for my other job. And I was like ...okay........
So I'm thinking when he emails me I'm just going to email him back and be like, it doesn't look like the two jobs are going to mesh very well...sorry, I can't accept the offer. And I'd be making $1.25 less at this job. So why would I give up shifts at Jamba to work there...for less? That just doesn't make any sense. Besides, after this month all my paychecks are going into savings, and I have a lot of people to see before I go, I don't want to spend my last summer in Nevada working 50 hours a week. That'd be sad. I want to enjoy time with my family and friends.
DF is going to fly down the day I'm moving to help me, and then drive back up with me. Jen doesn't seem stoked on it, because then she'll have to drive her car up alone, and DF and I will drive the trailer up. And I'm going to get this big huge guilt trip, I can already feel it.
Another thing that's been on my mind...I wish people could just be happy for me when they find out that DF and I are engaged. But all I ever get is skepticism. And that just seems incredibly rude to me. For someone to immediately just be like "Haven't you guys only been together for two months?" Yeah, I'll admit, it's super unorthodox. I will give you that. We aren't following the proper timeline. And I'm not going to be that rebellious twenty something that just thrives off the drama of her risque whirlwind engagement. I understand the skepticism, I do. And when it's coming from my parents, or his parents, or our close friends, I take heed. I understand where they're coming from. We have only been together for a short time. I completely acknowledge what it looks like.
The thing is though, all of my close friends are extremely supportive of us. My mom, my sister, and my sister in law are all incredibly happy for me. These are the people that are close to me, that care about me, that just want me to be happy. These are the people that know that I am a well grounded person, I know what I want in life, I know who I am and who I want to be, I know who I want to be with. And they all know that he is a wonderful person.
I'm nervous about telling his parents. They actually haven't met me yet, so we're waiting until after they do. They're pretty old fashioned, so I'm afraid they're going to frown upon the unorthodox way we came to be. He talks about me all the time to them, so they're really excited to meet me. But I don't think they know ...the depth of our relationship already.
I want more than anything for their blessing, and for my brother's blessing. And even though we're going to wait a year or two to actually tie the knot, if they'd prefer we wait longer, we will. They're going to be my family too, so I want them to love me. We just need to prove that we're not taking this decision lightly, that we're being mature about this, that we have everything planned out. I know that I personally need to prove to them that I intend to go places and be somebody, rather than just being a total shitbag and doing nothing with my life; being completely unmotivated and dragging their son down with me. I know that in the long run, all they want is for DF to be happy. And they will see how happy I make him, and over time, they will be happy for us. It's just going to be a shock at first.
Longest blog ever. I had a lot on my mind.
So we went to see her Mom at the salon she works at in the mall and she had an application for Jen for some new clothing store that's going in, and she had an extra and asked if I wanted to fill it out, and I'm only getting about 25 to 30 hours a week at Jamba, so I was like, sure why not? I've worked at a clothing store before, it'll be a blast from the past, maybe I can pick up like 15 hours, whenever I'm not working at Jamba. So we went to turn in our applications and he was like...interviewing us, and he hired me on the spot and told Jen he'd let her know. But the thing is...he was asking me like, who are you loyal to? Us or Jamba? And I was like ...well Jamba, I've been with them for two years, c'mon now. And he's making it seem like he wouldn't work around my schedule, and I had to like have my days completely open and stuff. So I was kinda quiet, just taking it in, nodding a lot because he was like, Vietnamese and SUPER hard to understand. He couldn't pronounce my name...at all. So he was like, okay well you can start Monday, I'll email you the schedule. And I was like, okay... and he said he'd schedule me Monday through Thursday and leave the weekend for my other job. And I was like ...okay........
So I'm thinking when he emails me I'm just going to email him back and be like, it doesn't look like the two jobs are going to mesh very well...sorry, I can't accept the offer. And I'd be making $1.25 less at this job. So why would I give up shifts at Jamba to work there...for less? That just doesn't make any sense. Besides, after this month all my paychecks are going into savings, and I have a lot of people to see before I go, I don't want to spend my last summer in Nevada working 50 hours a week. That'd be sad. I want to enjoy time with my family and friends.
DF is going to fly down the day I'm moving to help me, and then drive back up with me. Jen doesn't seem stoked on it, because then she'll have to drive her car up alone, and DF and I will drive the trailer up. And I'm going to get this big huge guilt trip, I can already feel it.
Another thing that's been on my mind...I wish people could just be happy for me when they find out that DF and I are engaged. But all I ever get is skepticism. And that just seems incredibly rude to me. For someone to immediately just be like "Haven't you guys only been together for two months?" Yeah, I'll admit, it's super unorthodox. I will give you that. We aren't following the proper timeline. And I'm not going to be that rebellious twenty something that just thrives off the drama of her risque whirlwind engagement. I understand the skepticism, I do. And when it's coming from my parents, or his parents, or our close friends, I take heed. I understand where they're coming from. We have only been together for a short time. I completely acknowledge what it looks like.
The thing is though, all of my close friends are extremely supportive of us. My mom, my sister, and my sister in law are all incredibly happy for me. These are the people that are close to me, that care about me, that just want me to be happy. These are the people that know that I am a well grounded person, I know what I want in life, I know who I am and who I want to be, I know who I want to be with. And they all know that he is a wonderful person.
I'm nervous about telling his parents. They actually haven't met me yet, so we're waiting until after they do. They're pretty old fashioned, so I'm afraid they're going to frown upon the unorthodox way we came to be. He talks about me all the time to them, so they're really excited to meet me. But I don't think they know ...the depth of our relationship already.
I want more than anything for their blessing, and for my brother's blessing. And even though we're going to wait a year or two to actually tie the knot, if they'd prefer we wait longer, we will. They're going to be my family too, so I want them to love me. We just need to prove that we're not taking this decision lightly, that we're being mature about this, that we have everything planned out. I know that I personally need to prove to them that I intend to go places and be somebody, rather than just being a total shitbag and doing nothing with my life; being completely unmotivated and dragging their son down with me. I know that in the long run, all they want is for DF to be happy. And they will see how happy I make him, and over time, they will be happy for us. It's just going to be a shock at first.
Longest blog ever. I had a lot on my mind.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
For him, I think the day after I left was the worst day. He was really really bummed out and had a lot of time to think about me. For me, it wasn't so bad because I had a pretty full day and I was keeping pretty busy. But as I slip back into my routine, and the further away I get from this weekend, the more bummed out I get, and the more I miss him. He seems to be doing better already, and for that I'm glad because him being sad rips me to pieces.
I'm doing the best I can to just keep busy and be productive. Channeling all of my sad, missing him energy into doing things I've been meaning to get done.
Finally doing the mountains of laundry I've been slowly chipping away at but never quite getting done. I'm doing it all tonight pretty much, and I work all day tomorrow, so Thursday I intend to sort through it all and make a keep pile, a throw away pile, and a donate pile. I'm going to be donating a loooot of clothes pretty soon. Which is going to be a load off my chest. I need to start sorting all my stuff, getting rid of a lot of stuff. I don't want to take that much stuff to Portland with me. Just my books and like, a quarter of the clothes I have now, and my printer and keyboard...I think I'm going to sell my tv and my guitar. I'll ask DF if he wants my guitar actually. I know he piddles around with the guitar occasionally and I don't think he has one. Ooh, just picturing him playing guitar sends me all ashiver. haha. WHAT A CREEP I AM.
Oh I need to take my dishes and pots and pans with me to Portland too. I'm going to donate a lot of my shoes as well. I don't wear half of them. I only wear like three pairs of shoes actually. I need to get a new pair of sneakers. I destroyed a pair in Oregon, climbing that mountain haha. They're in the back of DF's truck, rotting away. Actually, I'm sure he's thrown them away by now haha.
It feels good to be getting stuff done. Set in order. Saving money to move.
That check I got for 650 a while back, half of it went to paying off my credit card, and the other half went to helping Jen dig her way out of her hole. So I'm finding it difficult to save money for the move, which makes me just a tad nervous. I only have like ...$100 saved. And, granted, I'm going to sell my car, but...that makes me nervous too. Because it's not exactly a seller's market for...well, anything right now. Poor Rosie. I love her so. I wish I could take her with me, but it's insanely impractical to own a car in Portland. That's insurance, parking, gas I'd have to be paying when I could easily walk to work or take the bus. Not to mention Rosie always has SOME issue with her that costs me like $300 to get fixed haha. She makes it hard to save money. I mean, at least I'm not in debt like most kids my age. And I do have money in savings. That's an accomplishment right there. I just don't want to move unless I have AT LEAST a month's rent saved up. Just in case. I'm nervous I won't be able to find a job. I know DF would help me if I needed him to, but I'd never ask. I hate asking for help. I want to do it on my own. I want to be independent. I want to know that I can support myself, that I can live in the world all on my own, before I take the step of sharing my life with someone else.
The good news is, next month is the last month of rent that I have to pay. And my next pay check will take care of that. So any paychecks I get after that just go towards like...food and gas and my phone bill/car insurance. And the rest I can just put straight into my savings.
I just hope Jen finds a job soon...she's not looking very hard. And I can't support us both forever. I love her to death and I'd go to the poor house for her, but what good will it do if we're both broke as hell? I need her to save up to move too... it makes me nervous. Nervous that I'll have like, a couple months of rent saved up, and she'll have nothing, and I'll burn through it all because she has no money.
If she can't find a job here, how will she find one there? Portland is in the top five unemployed cities in the nation. You have to REALLY, REALLY look for a job. Which is why, even though I'm going to try to transfer to a jamba up there, I know it may not happen, and I want to have plenty of money saved just in case. Money for rent and food and utilities and my phone bill. So I want to have at least like...$1200 saved. At least. Which should be attainable what with me selling good ole Rosie. We shall see. I'm stressing too much maybe. But at least I'm thinking about it.
If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. So I'm planning the hell out of this.
I'm doing the best I can to just keep busy and be productive. Channeling all of my sad, missing him energy into doing things I've been meaning to get done.
Finally doing the mountains of laundry I've been slowly chipping away at but never quite getting done. I'm doing it all tonight pretty much, and I work all day tomorrow, so Thursday I intend to sort through it all and make a keep pile, a throw away pile, and a donate pile. I'm going to be donating a loooot of clothes pretty soon. Which is going to be a load off my chest. I need to start sorting all my stuff, getting rid of a lot of stuff. I don't want to take that much stuff to Portland with me. Just my books and like, a quarter of the clothes I have now, and my printer and keyboard...I think I'm going to sell my tv and my guitar. I'll ask DF if he wants my guitar actually. I know he piddles around with the guitar occasionally and I don't think he has one. Ooh, just picturing him playing guitar sends me all ashiver. haha. WHAT A CREEP I AM.
Oh I need to take my dishes and pots and pans with me to Portland too. I'm going to donate a lot of my shoes as well. I don't wear half of them. I only wear like three pairs of shoes actually. I need to get a new pair of sneakers. I destroyed a pair in Oregon, climbing that mountain haha. They're in the back of DF's truck, rotting away. Actually, I'm sure he's thrown them away by now haha.
It feels good to be getting stuff done. Set in order. Saving money to move.
That check I got for 650 a while back, half of it went to paying off my credit card, and the other half went to helping Jen dig her way out of her hole. So I'm finding it difficult to save money for the move, which makes me just a tad nervous. I only have like ...$100 saved. And, granted, I'm going to sell my car, but...that makes me nervous too. Because it's not exactly a seller's market for...well, anything right now. Poor Rosie. I love her so. I wish I could take her with me, but it's insanely impractical to own a car in Portland. That's insurance, parking, gas I'd have to be paying when I could easily walk to work or take the bus. Not to mention Rosie always has SOME issue with her that costs me like $300 to get fixed haha. She makes it hard to save money. I mean, at least I'm not in debt like most kids my age. And I do have money in savings. That's an accomplishment right there. I just don't want to move unless I have AT LEAST a month's rent saved up. Just in case. I'm nervous I won't be able to find a job. I know DF would help me if I needed him to, but I'd never ask. I hate asking for help. I want to do it on my own. I want to be independent. I want to know that I can support myself, that I can live in the world all on my own, before I take the step of sharing my life with someone else.
The good news is, next month is the last month of rent that I have to pay. And my next pay check will take care of that. So any paychecks I get after that just go towards like...food and gas and my phone bill/car insurance. And the rest I can just put straight into my savings.
I just hope Jen finds a job soon...she's not looking very hard. And I can't support us both forever. I love her to death and I'd go to the poor house for her, but what good will it do if we're both broke as hell? I need her to save up to move too... it makes me nervous. Nervous that I'll have like, a couple months of rent saved up, and she'll have nothing, and I'll burn through it all because she has no money.
If she can't find a job here, how will she find one there? Portland is in the top five unemployed cities in the nation. You have to REALLY, REALLY look for a job. Which is why, even though I'm going to try to transfer to a jamba up there, I know it may not happen, and I want to have plenty of money saved just in case. Money for rent and food and utilities and my phone bill. So I want to have at least like...$1200 saved. At least. Which should be attainable what with me selling good ole Rosie. We shall see. I'm stressing too much maybe. But at least I'm thinking about it.
If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. So I'm planning the hell out of this.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Portland.
This weekend went by so quickly. It slipped through my fingers before I even knew what was happening.
It was amazing though. I'm so so happy I got to see db...but wait, there's more.
We stayed right on the beach, and when we woke up Saturday morning we decided to hike up a hill...which actually turned into us CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN. (Maybe an exaggeration, but I have a terrible fear of heights, so I can't believe I actually agreed to it.)
He brought his camcorder and we recorded our walk to the hill, and after much pushing and prodding me up the mountain because I kept locking up and getting scared, we filmed the view from the top. So we're standing there, looking at this bald eagle in a tree right next to us and looking out over miles and miles of ocean in a spot I'm pretty sure no people have ever been, and then he gets down on one knee and he proposed! It was like a movie (never mind the fact that I was dirty and sweaty and gross haha), but it really was so romantic. It was just for us, not in front of a bunch of random strangers that would pretend to care, and that's just the way I wanted it.
So now dear boyfriend is dear fiance and will hearby be referred to as DF.
He's so amazing. I just wonder how in the world I got so lucky.
I have nothing to complain about at all.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
dear boyfriend.
okay.
something must be done about this.
i'm trying desperately to stay busy. but i'm day dreaming all the time and not getting anything done.
even when i'm not thinking about doing the deed i'm thinking about him in some capacity. it's sick. SICK. i'm all obsessive and love crazed. this is not me. this is not something i do. i mean...it has been to some extent. i'll get all infatuated nstuff. but i've never not been able to focus on anything else. and i sincerely cannot focus on anything else. i think about taking a nap with him, i think about eating with him, i think about watching tv with him, i think about doing a crossword puzzle with him, i think about kissing him, i think about walking on the beach with him.
GAH.
this is torture. it really is.
i can't sleep because i can't stop thinking about him.
and i don't want to tell him that.
because then he'd be all like ...weird.
i feel like pacing.
i legitimately don't know how i'm going to get through the next two days.
maybe not talking will help.
he has to work, thus, won't be able to talk to me until Friday pretty much.
maybe it'll help.
or make it worse.
it's probably a good thing we don't live together. i'd be glued to his side all the time. and then i'd get all clingy and panicky when he had to go to work. and that's never good.
i don't wanna show him my clingy side!
it'll pass...it'll pass.
it'll settle down, even out.
just right now he's everything to me. every thought, every motivation.
like i said. SICK. sickeningly sweet. and a little obsessive.
i am going to do my very best to just think about like...baseball. and things i have to do. like laundry. and going to the bank. and all that fun stuff. that's what i'm going to do. and i'm going to drift off into a pleasant slumber.
where i'll most likely dream about him. again. i swear, it's constant with me.
something must be done about this.
i'm trying desperately to stay busy. but i'm day dreaming all the time and not getting anything done.
even when i'm not thinking about doing the deed i'm thinking about him in some capacity. it's sick. SICK. i'm all obsessive and love crazed. this is not me. this is not something i do. i mean...it has been to some extent. i'll get all infatuated nstuff. but i've never not been able to focus on anything else. and i sincerely cannot focus on anything else. i think about taking a nap with him, i think about eating with him, i think about watching tv with him, i think about doing a crossword puzzle with him, i think about kissing him, i think about walking on the beach with him.
GAH.
this is torture. it really is.
i can't sleep because i can't stop thinking about him.
and i don't want to tell him that.
because then he'd be all like ...weird.
i feel like pacing.
i legitimately don't know how i'm going to get through the next two days.
maybe not talking will help.
he has to work, thus, won't be able to talk to me until Friday pretty much.
maybe it'll help.
or make it worse.
it's probably a good thing we don't live together. i'd be glued to his side all the time. and then i'd get all clingy and panicky when he had to go to work. and that's never good.
i don't wanna show him my clingy side!
it'll pass...it'll pass.
it'll settle down, even out.
just right now he's everything to me. every thought, every motivation.
like i said. SICK. sickeningly sweet. and a little obsessive.
i am going to do my very best to just think about like...baseball. and things i have to do. like laundry. and going to the bank. and all that fun stuff. that's what i'm going to do. and i'm going to drift off into a pleasant slumber.
where i'll most likely dream about him. again. i swear, it's constant with me.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
2 and a half days!!!
i got some sleep today so i'm in a better mood.
i'm really glad. i'm having an actual conversation with db tonight. i miss him so much. skype really does help and i'm thankful we're able to talk at all. yesterday was just a bad day.
i haven't written any poetry in a while.
it's kinda...depressing. but i know it'll come when it's meant to come. i have months of prolific writing and then nothing. that's how it always works.
my computer keeps overheating. it's really obnoxious. i need to buy like a can of compressed air or something. this just will not do!!
i got some sleep today so i'm in a better mood.
i'm really glad. i'm having an actual conversation with db tonight. i miss him so much. skype really does help and i'm thankful we're able to talk at all. yesterday was just a bad day.
i haven't written any poetry in a while.
it's kinda...depressing. but i know it'll come when it's meant to come. i have months of prolific writing and then nothing. that's how it always works.
my computer keeps overheating. it's really obnoxious. i need to buy like a can of compressed air or something. this just will not do!!
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