Same day.
Second entry.

The second entry is always the pushing off of the dock that is the first, oddly sporadic entry.

My vision for this should be more focused, more natural, more.

But it's not really.


DB thinks I have it all together.

And then I have nights like tonight. Nights when the air is crystal thin, easy enough to drink, and I do and I end up not getting any sleep at all. Just lying with my head on an uncomfortable pillow thinking about dense branches covered in snow in some far off forest, or silver high heels I had that my dog chewed up when he was a puppy, and whose fault was it, mine or Sam's? I think about hair and how important it is to beauty and what if I cut all mine off, all the things it would change. My place in this world is strictly defined by my hair. ha. I feel that way sometimes.

sometimes i wonder if i'm broken. inside, you know? like the plastic dolls that are supposed to say cutesie things like mama, and feed me, and goo ga...and my cord is broken and the pull string just won't work and all my parts inside are all jumbled up and instead of saying cutesie things i just think too much and say all the wrong things and disassemble all the people around me.

people in my life change to suit me, it would seem. maybe they're tree huggers, or vegetarians, and then i really like meat. and i'm pretty firm on that; though i don't care if they do or not. and my absolute refusal to even attempt to change my beliefs to suit theirs warrants their molding to fit mine. not everyone i suppose. only the people that care.

who cares?
haha...i'm going crazy in my own head. absolutely.
this always happens late at night.

i work in two hours.
coffee always gets me through.
i think i get off early.
i could take a nap when i get home.
i only like couch naps.
i don't like my couch.
it's noisy.
it wouldn't be a good couch to have sex on.
i always find myself thinking that.
i've never had sex on a couch.
note to self:
have sex on a couch.
...not my couch.


i'm losin it
it's getting ugly

i haven't written anything worth while in months
i haven't painted anything worth while in months
i haven't played/sang anything worthwhile in years










my creativity is at a standstill
who am i?
i thought i knew
all this confusion
i cried tonight -- first time for the reason i was crying over
i didn't think it would induce tears
i didn't think it would be this hard.

but it is. and i did.
losing my head. losing my brain. trapped inside the walls of my own skull.


i wish i could just...turn it all off.
float on by like everyone else seems to do.


i hope i'm never the kind of person resistant to change;
trapped in my own attitude


Shannon is like that. Always negative and bitter. Always holier than though. Always unhappy.


It seems like all the people around me are constantly unhappy.
It makes the world seem hopeless.
Except for DB.
He gives me hope that maybe things can be good for me.
I'm afraid the world will prove me wrong.
I'm afraid this is just some sick lesson I'm being taught.

I couldn't handle that
I've been through a lot
seen a lot
cried over a lot
bit my lips until they've bled over a lot
kept silent about a lot
tried to forget a lot
burned photographs and laughed as the flames lapped up the ugly smiling faces
a lot

but i couldn't handle that