distance.

well, i'm going to see db in exactly three days and thirteen hours.
i'm excited about it, really. i think about it all the time, and it's making the hours and days drag by.

but right now i'm just in kind of a really bummed out mood. because of a lot of things. namely work...just constantly being made to feel like i suck and everybody is better than me. constantly worrying that i'll be replaced. i hate it. it's just...bumming me out. at least i don't have to work tomorrow night. i'm getting it out of the way in the morning. and then i'll be able to talk to db all day.

i feel bad...we got off skype tonight and i was in a bummed mood. and he starts to get really insecure when i do that. when i'm sad and he can't cheer me up, or if he makes reference to the relationship and i'm not super excited about it, he'll be afraid i'm having doubts or that i'm going to leave him. he doesn't believe that i'll never leave him.
things like that just take time i guess. i understand his insecurity. he's there and i'm here. what's keeping me around? i get that. i guess it's easier for me because there aren't many girls there; not much competition. and he works so much that he doesn't really have time to go out girl hunting. i try to remember how hard it must be for him and i try to be reassuring.

i guess tonight i just didn't have the energy. i hope he doesn't worry about it all night. i hope tomorrow he doesn't tell me he slept horribly because he was thinking about it. i hope he's tired enough that he'll just pass out from exhaustion and wake up tomorrow not even remembering how i was tonight.

sometimes i'm afraid that he won't be able to handle me. he knows who i am and he's seen most every side of me, but with what depth? to what extent can he handle who i really am? i feel that one day he will leave me.
so i'm trying to make the most of the days i have with him.

i don't want to talk about this anymore, it hurts my chest.




I'm getting a new phone tomorrow hopefully.
After work.
There's a verizon store right across the street from my work. Convenient.



i won't lie...it is hard being away from him.
scratch that.
really really really ultra mega hard.
like...one of the hardest things i've ever done.
because i just want to be around him all the time. i want to spend time with him. and not the kind of time we spend together on skype. because while that's nice, it's also a little draining because we always have to be talking and alert and stuff. i just want to lie with him and watch the stars and not talk, i want to take a nap with him, i want to go on a walk and not have to say anything.

i want our quiet time. it's impossible so far away. i want touch. i want to feel his hand in mine. im literally aching for physical contact. it's so hard.

sometimes i want to skip over portland entirely and just live with him. but then...what about me? what would i do? i need to go to school, i need to have a job, i need to have my own life. i can't just share his. neither of us would be happy that way.


this will all be easier after i move, i keep telling myself. once i move i'll see him a couple times a week. we can do things together and make memories and enjoy each other's company. i can wake up next to him, make breakfast for him, fight with him and then have make up sex. all the things we can't do now.

it's just so hard right now.
and i dont tell him that because then he'll assume i'm having doubts.
and i'm not. i have no doubts about being with him.
it's just this time, these three months, that have to be spent apart, are killing me.
he makes me so happy but...i just get really lonely i guess.



it's just like being single i guess. i mean, this is how it would be if we broke up, but worse. because its not like i'd be able to find anybody like him again; i don't want to be with anybody else. i just want to be with him. and i wish it were possible right now.
there's nothing he or anybody else can do about it though, so i just keep it to myself. what's the point in airing problems that can't be fixed?