Online musings?

I've always hated the first blog post. It always comes off as clunky and roughly expositional.

Oh well, what can you do?

Let's see...school is out, work, unfortunately, isn't. Nor will it ever be! Not that I would want it to be. I think about that sometimes. Not working at all. What the hell would I do? Re-upholster my own furniture? I'm no Martha Stewart. I have to be working. Or going to school. Or something. I'd slowly drive myself insane sitting idly by as everybody else lives their lives.
That was a tangent!

Right now I'm writing to nobody. It's suuuuper weird. Hello computer, let me tell you about my day. La dee da.

I'm on a total Marilyn Monroe, Greta Garbo, fifties glamour kick.
I'm diggin' it. I haven't worn red lipstick in a good...three years. Once my sister started doing it too I kinda lost interest.

I have to work at 6:30...and it's 2 am right now. I can't fall asleep, I'm sorta bouncing off the walls. What is it when orgasming and then wanting to like...do everything. Ever. Like, I want to clean my room and do the dishes and go for a run and write a book and all this inane shit that I shouldn't want to be doing at 2 in the morning. Lame. Note to self, keep sexy time to the mornings only. It apparently perks me right up.

Austin would think I was a total nutjob if he knew I was still up just like, doing pointless stuff, talking to a computer about sexy time. He already thinks I'm a total nut, whateva. I'm fine with it. He is too. We're peas in a pod, he and I.

Party tomorrow. Pretty excited. Going to get drunk. Ex-boyfriend, and ex-bestfriend are going to be there. Weird? Not if I'm drunk. I'm getting drunk so that I can successfully avoid them both. Probably not the best reason to be drinking. I don't want dear boyfriend to worry. Bah. I'm just going to get super in the mood for sexy time if I get drunk and end up calling him, being vulgar, anyway. Lame. I'm lame.





What is it with the whole 'oh you're so pretty' kick that everybody has been on lately? I don't get that. I've never gotten that. I've never felt pretty. I've never really been told I was pretty that often so I kinda just didn't even really think about it. Like...Jen is beautiful, Marilyn Monroe was beautiful, flowers are beautiful. I'm...an assortment of features; a nose, some eyes, a couple ears, some hair (that's trying to be red all of the sudden?)...I see myself every day. Maybe I'm just to used to myself? I guess it's cool if people think I'm pretty and stuff but I don't really know how to handle compliments. I've never known how to handle them.

At my sister's wedding my family kept telling me I looked beautiful and I just kept saying things like, "Yeah...look at Sara! She's gorgeous today, don't you love her hair? Look at her dress." redirecting the compliments to her. She handles compliments amazingly well!

I don't get people that fish for compliments. "I'm so ugly......." just waiting for you to jump in and correct them with a "what?! no you're like the prettiest person i know!!!!!!! OMFG!!!!" Whenever people do that I just say things like "Well that's a terrible way to see it." or "Have a little self respect."

Is there no shame? Where did pride go? For me, pride is keeping things to yourself sometimes. Not telling everyone, every little thought that pops into your head. There are two people that I'm completely open with about everything. And everybody else I pick and choose what to tell them. Because most of my thoughts, feelings and motivations are none of anybody elses business but my own. And the select few that I've chosen to share my life with. For somebody to tell everybody all of their thoughts is to completely obliterate their sense of self worth. What are you worth if you find no worth in yourself? Nothing. You're worthless.

I think I was a nazi in a past life. Or a dictator. Or some heartless person. Sometimes icewater runs through my veins and I feel no sympathy. I'm like a rock. Nothing can get to me if I don't want it to. Sometimes it's hard to soften up. I've never admitted that to myself before.

this post has gone in so many directions that I'm beginning to question my own sanity at this point. dear boyfriend is surely going to think i'm off my rocker.